Dreaming of An Unreasonable Hope

Yeah, well, I had a dream.. AGAIN. Last night.

I dreamt of everything I ever wanted.

Perfect friends, family, life, fortune, fame, happiness and of course, flawless beauty. Anything any other teen girl would wish for.

I appreciated everything in that dream. I was always either smiling or laughing. I was happy.

By the way, I also had a perfect boyfriend. Smart, tall, handsome, athletic, kind, positive-thinking, sweet and romantic.

And in my dream, I was even happy while sleeping.. with a smile on my face.

When I woke up in the morning, I found it weird, laughable and crazy.

Because I knew something like that is impossible. Not only for me, for everyone else too.

A complete and perfect life full with smiles and devoid of grief. Who has that? Nobody.

And it dawdled on me. That happiness pushed me down. Immediately, I felt like a big rock just fell on my back.

As if, my hopes were all suddenly crushed.

The truth is:

I'm afraid of my mum at times which I did not at all in the dream.

I get annoyed and mad too frequently.

I have loads of problems both personality and academics wise. Which was the total opposite in the dream.

I'm hot-tempered, sensitive, not-so-pretty.. average I guess, lazy and an asshole.

I don't have a boyfriend with all the best qualities in the world.

I cry and break down at the littlest of things.

I can't face my fears.

I cling on to people so badly hoping that they would love me in return for my love for them,

but they just swing me off, throwing me into a dark corner again and again

until I've forgotten how it feels like to really love and smile for somebody.

That is all the truth about me that I will never be able confess with words.

Because, like I said, I can't face my fears.. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself even more.

I'm a coward.

I don't really have anyone to love truthfully.

I don't even know if I'm overlooking some things.

But I'm too afraid to look back and check... to know that if I did overlook, I lost something important which I'll never be able to retrieve again.

All I'm doing now is to live through the days..

In the best effort I can.

Through this cowardice and problems weighing down on me.

Waiting for that one person who'll magically step into my darkness and pull me out of there.

To see the light and to know how it is to smile for a loved one again.

Distancing myself from heartache,

Running from possible danger,

Reaching out only to pull back again,

Cowardice.

The real me.

"HopesxDreams"... Hopes are written all over, where are the Dreams?!

Lol! I've kind of just realised that.. = =

uhm, sorry? xD

I wish I could turn back time and start from a scratch again, but..

that's impossible isn't it?!

xD ~~!

Okay, well.. today marks my first post for my Dreams!!

I had a dream last night. Actually, two dreams!

I'm the kind of person who has two-in-one dream so.. yeah!!

=)

Feel free to go ahead and read about my nonsensical dream!

But if you're not in the mood, then.. why don't you just think of me instead?! xD

(Well, you already are anyway)

=3

Dream 1:(You're thinking why I can remember each and every part of my dream?? Its cuz I randomly add some other parts that I DON'T remember! Hahahaha!)

Starring: Joseph (my cousin)

Rachel (me!)

Daddy (my dad!)

On a sunny Sunday, Rachel, Daddy and Joseph were avoiding the heat by walking around in a mall...

Rachel: Lucky you're free la papa!

Joseph: Hm... yeah. (he's wondering why he's there xD)

Daddy: Aiyah.. no problem la.

(Suddenly many walls appear in front of us with doors)

(We turn the knob to the first door in front of us)

Rachel: Weh.. why cannot turn wan??

Joseph: Hah! Butterfingers!! (turns the knob) ..... Spoil already la.

Rachel: See?!

(Daddy tries but fails also and the three of us sit on the ground with our backs on the wall)

Joseph: Boring la...

Rachel: Haiz... You good la. Got girlfriend already... -pouts-

Joseph: Who? Me?

Rachel: Who else?!

Joseph: Sigh... what you expect? Pro mah!

Rachel: Hmph. My ass...

Daddy: Eh, don't talk like that la...

Joseph: She talks just like me! -laughs- we really are cousins aren't we?

Rachel: ... whatever. i don't feel like I want to be related to you anyway.

Joseph: -gawks-

Dream 2: (it suddenly switched!! xD don't ask ME why!)

Starring: Rachel (me!)

Cherie (my panda-ish friend)

Serene (my closey-lacey friend!)

Zhi En (my precious friend/ neko-chan!)

Phang (St.John friend)

It was during St.John Cadet Leadership Development Seminar (Camp time!) Rachel doesn't like it.. she hates the fact that she can't seem to get any praises or badges at all!!

Rachel: What is this....???

Zhi En: What, 'what is this??'?

Rachel:-glares at Zhi En- Cherie can get her badges why i cannot?! Its not fair!! -folds her arms in frustation-

(Don't ask me how Cherie got into St.John... xD)

Cherie: -appears out of nowhere- What, what? Are you talking about me? Did I hear my name?

Rachel: Well, I--

(Phang appears out of nowhere also)

Phang: I have the survival badge, the cadet training badge, the athletic badge.. blah blah blah

Rachel: Ya la.. you very smart and great la.. the whole world is praising you~

Phang: Pssh.. what are you saying? Are you ... jealous..?

Rachel: yeah right.

Serene: -appears out of nowhere- eh~ got ice cream! Who wants!

Phang: ME!

Zhi En: You know what....

And it ends there! =.=" I know right??!! Its like.. ARGH! Its frustating just thinking about it!

Anyway, thanks for viewing my random and stupid post. = =

Good day~ =)

When one feels empty and lonely,

who else will there be?

The only person in your heart~

The bright shining star.

--Rachel Tan

Designed for Real!

Damn it! Its not a fake... sheesh. How many times do I have to say this to make you understand??

Its. An. ORIGINAL.

ME!

I'M original... you treat me like crap.

ARGH!!! I feel like smashing you up.. no offense dude.

Hey, I love you buddy but.. this is not gonna work out right

If you know what I mean.

The Pleasure of Amnesia

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just conveniently forget every trauma and problem in your life and live a new, changed life?

People with amnesia usually ends up not knowing who they are and forgetting everything that happened in their past. (of course along with not knowing people whom they knew before the amnesia)

And I thought.. you know, amnesia really is a good thing at times. Some are lucky.. while some are not.. so much. xD Well, I think you get my point.

I'm still in the process of trying my best to not to forget about my past, but to keep the good memories in my heart, live for the present and think of what I should do for the future. I've told myself this countless times before. And although they didn't work before, I'm sure it will work this time.

I promise...

Oh, and one more thing. From Science, we all learned that the fingertips are one of the most sensitive places of our whole body right? (I think so..) And some people experiencing depression or traumatic incidents will cut themselves at the wrist or arms right?(I think so.. AGAIN x3)

But, I, I peel my skin out at my fingertips.. Am I in depression? Or am I depressed at all? o.O I don't think so though. I think I'm just psycho. =.= I'd better stop this peeling now. 'Else...I wouldn't be able to do the house chores properly anymore xD And heck, I don't want THAT.

I'd get a whole lot of lecture lol.

Some say I'm always overreacting,

Some say I'm Miss Drama Queen,

But you know what?

I don't care anymore..

Because all I have is me to live for

Also, for the truth

And that is what I'll do.

Can't... Concentrate.. AGH!!

I can't study sivik, kemahiran hidup and computer!! GAHHH!!! I mean, =.= I AM studying but it can't get into my head! WHY??!! And I'm trying so freaking HARD!!!

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...... well.... at least tomorrow's the last day =P

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

Then after that, I can start writing my stories again!! WHEE~ I haven't written them in ages! AGES I tell you! xD

Well toodles~ See you tomorrow!! GAhahahahahahah!

A moments peace

brings a long term of

wonderful memory.

Too Much of Anything Can Make You Sick

=.= I know what you're thinking..

If you think I copied this from Cheryl Cole's Fight For This Love, then you're wrong!

Cause I thought about it earlier... well.. before I heard her song xD

Too much of sweets can make you puke,

Too much of happiness can curse you right back,

Too much of crying can make the sadness disappear,

Too much of love can make you sick of it.

I'm tired of crying for you.

I'm tired of waiting for you every single time.

I'm SICK and tired of you being so ignorant!!

I've had enough.

I want a change.

And damn it, I AM changing.

I don't want this -- YOU to get in my way any more.

And I know its the same for you.

Its a done deal. We don't need to have anything to do with each other.

The moments we spent together was like a dream.. an illusion... a fake.

Its time I see the truth and face it.

I need to overcome my fears, accept them, and move on.

Discovering the light of the truth,

abandoning the illusions of the darkness,

walking on a treaded path to happiness,

is there more to that truth?

Hey~ It IS Better This Way~ xP

Yeah~ like, when I don't think too much, I'm having much more fun than what I have used to have. Usually, if I think .. for example; if I say this, would we argue later? or should I talk to her..?

When I do that, the things that I don't want to happen WILL happen. And that really sucks man.

But big deal~ it doesn't bug me as much anymore. =P

Oh oh oh~ And today's exam was easier than yesterday's.. =.= I wonder why.. But yesterday's was art and kesihatan though.. why was it so difficult? o.O And today's BM and Geo.. Why is it easy? xD lol.. wth...

Let our sins be forgiven sincerely and may God's grace be upon all our hearts and souls.

--Amen! x3 -- Rashiru-chan awaiting your command! xD (joking)