Hate+Love = ?

Have you ever wondered what is the result..
..when you love and hate someone at the same time?

If you know, please tell me..
This is very troubling..
Its messing with my head.
I'm happy and all of a sudden when I see your bitchy face,
I get depressed and mad.

I don't want this to prolong.
I want this to end quickly if possible.

And, also, if possible, I want to forget all about you.
I hate you...
But I also love you.

And this is really stupid.
As long as this stays this way..
and we don't talk or look at each other,
then I really thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thank you!!!

You're really helping me.
Stay away.. I'm sure if we do, this feeling will go away as well.

Accept it Or Run Away

I know that this is going to end anytime soon.

I know our time will end.

I know.. this won't last.

But when you come close,

I shy away.

I wondered why... but I knew deep inside; the reason why.

I was afraid of letting you know the truth of the truth.

I was afraid that if you knew, you wouldn't accept that part of me.

I don't want to lose you..

I'm so sorry about this.

I'm so sorry that you had to feel this because of me.

Its all my fault.

Blame it all on me.. I don't mind. I really don't.

As long as you're happy..

That's good enough for me.

I Love You.. But Does That Even Mean Anything To You?

I was all alone at first.

My friends drifted from me and I had no one but myself.

I entered a foreign place.

I knew nothing. No one.

But then, I came to know so many things and so many people.

I knew good things.. good people.. bad things.. bad people..

I hated some but I loved the rest.

You have no idea how much I love you... Every single part of you.

Your tears I cherish. Your wishes I try to fulfill.

Your outburst is my sanctuary. Your anger is my worry.

Your smile is my Sun.

Your laughter is my happiness..

Your worry for me is like a dream come true.

Your EVERYTHING is everything to me.

I love you.. and I don't know how to convey this.

I know you'll never understand through words only.

The extend of this love.

You might find it disgusting, but I know you never will.

Because you're not like that.

You can be a murderer for all I care.

It doesn't give me a damn.

I'll still love you.

But...

It really hurts when I see you this way..

SO shattered. SO hurt. SO disturbed and depressed.. maybe even frustrated.

So much that I can't help.. I am not allowed to.

That I can't do anything to help.

I feel so powerless, so weak!

Every single damned thing from my past is haunting me once again..

And, no~~ its NOT your fault.

I just miss the happiness I used to feel..

I've forgotten what it feels like to truly be happy.

I want to feel that again.

I want to love you

But I'm hurting myself

I want to forget you, but I can't!

I can't just shut love out like that.. Its impossible

I'm so freaking darn stupid!

I don't know who to ask help from.

I don't know who to talk to

I don't know how you feel..

And I'm starting to lose my feelings too..

I love you. Maybe too much.

.. And now. I'm lost. Lost in myself.

A Long Forgotten(?) Story.. My Story..

It was a bright and sunny morning that day. I'd thought it would mean it was going to be a good day.. The clouds were white and puffy and the sky was so blue. It was so perfect.. TOO perfect.

I sat at my table in class oblivious to my surroundings. I could hear no voice, no screams, no gossiping no stomping.. Just nothing but me and my steady breath.

My eyes caught on a group of people--with both boys and girls-- chatting like its the end of the world. My best friend.. no, my ex-best friend Joey stood leaning on the wall next to a dusty window twirling the end of her hair in a circular motion, curling it around her what seemed like fragile index finger

She laughed so hard.. I couldn't help but feel the pain again. The pain I always feel when I see Joey happy with other people.. also the pain of when she makes me cry.. bullies me.. rejects me.. and of course, ignore me.

Ever since I was 7, I wanted to be different. To change for the better. But that didn't happen.. and I'm 12 now.. and yet, nothing's changed. I wanted to be someone special for once. To have many friends and to laugh like there isn't a care in the world. I was jealous.. depressed..

Mariko, my Japanese friend walked up to me, also staring at the group of people there.

"Hi there"

I nodded my head. My throat felt so heavy.. I couldn't utter even a word.

"Kavesha, Nattasha, Kher Yuee and Thamarai are waiting.. don't you want to go to the canteen?"

I shook my head .. "I-Its okay.. Go first"

She patted me on my back" Okay. Well.. I'll see ya around" .. and she walked out and down to the canteen.

Joey glanced at me. A mischievious look on her eyes. She grinned.

Esther, her friend, said hi to her and Joey whispered something into her ear.

Esther shrugged it off and walked away. joey took a cup of water (paint residue inside) and poured it on me.

I gasped. Staring at the colors blending into my shirt.

She laughed out loud. Catching all the attention from the rest of the people in the class.

"You should have not been dreaming!" she chuckled " and what were you doing staring at me? Haven't you seen such a pretty person before?" she exclaimed.

The other people laughed.. one by one. Causing a chain reaction. The people walking outside the classroom started laughing too-- a teacher was laughing as well.

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I couldn't help it. All the embarassment.. it was getting to me. All my friends are down at the canteen. There was no one there to save me..

I stood and walked to the girls toilet. Trying my best to scrub(with my hands) the colors off of my shirt. It couldn't work. Didn't work.. It never worked. (This has happened before)

I spent the rest of the day in a dream. An illusion I made from my mind just to keep my mind away from reality.. the cruelty of reality.

I thought of how Joey became my best friend in the first place. Then I remembered..

She was my first friend in that school. That's how.

She'd always listen to me no matter what kind of story I was telling. Whether it was preposterous or real. Or stupid or fun. I enjoyed telling her anything. I told her... EVERTHING.

As soon as she became a prefect, she started to drift apart. She didn't talk to me as much. She didn't listen to me anymore. She started ignoring me altogether. She changed... drastically.

Until this day.. I have no idea what I did to deserve all that for the six years I've been in primary school. To lose a best friend.. to be bullied, laughed at, .... heartbroken

Sri Sempurna is like a comforting pillow. I can have more peace in this place. No one bullies me.. no one laughs at me as much.. no one embarasses me.

But you know what.. thats only the positive side of things.

If you look at it my way, people still thinks of me as scum.. (some people do) people still think I don't belong where I am. They still don't like me.(I think)..(i'm pretty sure of it actually)

And I have a feeling the same thing is going to repeat.. again.. that same nightmare.. that same hell..

So that is why I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of everything.. Of doing a single courageous thing and losing everything after that. That is why I'm a coward. Now I know why.. it all makes sense.

The conclusion is ; (you know who you are) I hate popular people.. (you know who you are) I'm scared of losing you.. and last but not least; I hate prefects. A LOT.

Once I believed,

Once I had faith,

Once I was crushed,

Everything turned to dust.

Eye Atmosphere and Expression.. Unwanted Individual

Your eye..

That's right.

Your eye is a window.

Reflecting whatever that is hidden behind that fragile beautiful thing.

You might pretend to be sad when you're happy

or happy when you're sad.

But you give everything away

once that someone you're pretending to

looks right into your eye.

Or maybe its just me.

Because I can feel the truth beyond the lies.

Through your eyes.

Its not difficult.

I'm not lying.

I really can.

If I can't, then boy, are you good...

Okay, whole different topic from here on out

Is it just my nature to not mix in with people?

Is it just normal that people don't like me too much because of... me?

Am I fated to be cast out to the un-popular side forever?

Because, the way I look at it..

Its always been this way

My heart aches..

When I think about the people who stand out

They look at me as though I don't belong

They talk about me as if I don't need to be there

They don't listen appropriately to a thing I say

They don't care about my opinion

They call me 'nerd', 'freak', 'sucker'...

So I have a friend that mixes in with that group.

Its not that I don't want her to be there..

Its just that I'm afraid of losing her

Afraid of losing her to those.. people

And even when I try to convince myself that its okay most of the time,

it works..!

But then, when it doesn't.. thats when my heart breaks.

And all my self-confidence and self-esteem just runs down the drain..

..yeah, just like that.

Then when I look myself in the mirror,

its like I'm the ugliest person in the whole world.

I try to be happy with the friends I have right now,

but my hard work gets crushed every time I hear someone say something..

For example just about one week ago:

" Yer... that girl ah? What's her name ah? Why her?? Can't it be somebody else.."

or, just yesterday:

"You still staying in Arif?? Oh my gosh, shit!"

How would you feel if you've always been said about like that ever since you're 7?

Or maybe even 5?

I've been living like that for 7-9 years now..

am I that ugly?

am I that unapproachable?

am I that..unwanted?

FYI, that's why I'm so clingy to my friends.

They are the only one who'll accept me for who I am..

But some of my friends feel the same way those people do..

and I feel crushed now.

I don't think.. I can go on with this anymore..

Especially not with Serene not around...

I'm dead meat..

I should've just flunked my examinations

Be a bad student..

And get out of Arif..

Congrats 'popular' people,

you finally managed to destroy me.

I'm crushed and heartbroken.

Congratulations.

I love you for who are,

but do you love me for who I am?

Your smile and laugh is the best thing

I could ever have.

But I'm not sure.. if we can stay the way we are now.

Losing Hope...

I will admit that even I give up hope easily..

But that doesn't mean we can't stand up for ourselves.

I'm not trying to boast about something I can't do.

I'm trying to help others to do the one thing I had never been able to do..

The one thing I failed at... Believing and never giving up.

Isn't it better to believe and be happy later when you succeed

than to lose yourself and break down in the end?

Why do people always choose to break down in the end..?

I have no idea why either, although.. I do happen to do that often

I still dunno why.. =.=

Well, I'm TRYING to find out!

Is it cuz they don't have enough confidence?

They don't have the strength to get back up again after falling every time?

Or they just want to stay there.. in the darkness.. alone and bored?

That's not the way to live..

Its not..

Sigh..

I guess I'm just a fool in the end.

I can't help people I want to help.

I can't stay strong.

I can't be brave.. I'm always a coward.

I'm not sporty..

I'm not confident..

I'm weak. A stupid fool. .. And to some of you even, annoying maybe..

I just.. I just lose out on everything single effin thing okay??!!!

I can't seem to get ANYTHING right..

.. I guess I'm pretty dumb huh..

Trying to help,

trying to save,

but in the end,

everything loses its way.

New Semester.. New Disaster..

Its a new semester.. a horror... O.O"

Well not really I guess.. its just the sleeping and waking up early thing.

I don't like having a fixed time to do things.. I want to be flexible. =P

So yeah. Now's the new semester and people the same age as me in my school are changing classes based on their grades and positions throughout the whole form.

I'm staying in Arif..

And most of my friends are, except.. T^T

SERENE!!! NOOOO!! I'm so gonna miss you...

Seriously.. its not fair you know.. .....

And I have an odd feeling that this semester's gonna be much worse than the last one.

ARGHH!!! SEE?!

I'm already mad!! And i'm gonna lose a friend in class..

Shit.. I hope things will turn out for the better...