Imbalanced Sufficiency

It just doesn't add up, I don't feel like it is the same at all.. no. I can't. No matter how hard I try, it just won't work out.

I try forgetting your presence and everything along with it, and its not working. It keeps coming back. Every time I laugh, every single time I feel happiness, it reminds me of you. And no one else.. can come to mind.

And maybe its because I emo a lot or whatever, and people start thinking I'm hot-tempered and easily pissed off and blah blah blah.. But I'm not!! =.= I'm not.. I don't get pissed off easily. Its just that when I'm caught in a situation and I have many choices to choose from, but each and every one of them will lead to hurting some one and thats when I get pissed cuz.. I don't want to hurt anyone at all.

Hurting me is okay.. but not my friends. Not my buddies. Not my family.

And its really not funny when you insult someone. (even if its true) It is unfair to the party and it might really really hurt them a lot even without you knowing. Try tolerating or maybe, at the least; control your emotions la. Don't shout, don't scream, don't insult, don't talk so much, don't play so much, don't.. break any one's heart. =)

A purely strong will will lead to happiness and victory alone.

Searching for a soul,

in an empty vessel.

Searching for gems,

in an abandoned & used mine,

A useless effort,

but a strong will,

will bear fruit at the

most uncertain time.

Faithful Heart

Wouldn't everything work out better if we were faithful to ourselves and others? Wouldn't everything be much more peaceful if everyone understood one another and avoided arguments??

Why does everything have to be so complicated.. I don't want to make things any more complicated than it already is. I want to he happy and you know.. blah blah blah.

VERY VERY TIRED today. Post tomorrow lol. Bye bye~

I Can't Keep Up-- Who am I? Who Do I Want To Be?

A blurred tragedy.. or maybe even blurred TRAGEDIES. All this while, who I am.. I finally know who I am, what I want and who I wanna be.

Let's start way back in the past shall we?.. Well, basically, (dun wanna sound old/ or too long-winded =P) I was a snob. I actually LIKED bossing people around. I felt no remorse, no regret.. I was HAPPY. But that was only in the beginning, as I lived on till the age of 12, I got used to it and I didn't feel happy anymore.

But I still didn't feel remorse or regret, in fact I felt as if its normal that they should help me with my daily school needs. I was indeed a terrible person. At that time, I believed I was superior among me and the other pupils.. except one group of people.

A group of what you can call; a great and fun group of friends. They are always laughing and having fun whereas my group was always filled with problems. I wanted to be like them, but I used a wrong technique of changing my group. I wanted to change me first. I did not realise that after I 'changed', I was still the same old 'leader' of the group. So I went through my whole primary school life like that..

( The yearning of wanting be somebody happy and 'popular'?)

And.. when I came to Sri Sempurna, I wanted to change me.. really change me. To be some one people can like and love for who I am. I think I actually changed you know? A lot.. ( Do you think?) And I think I got some friends who would acknowledge me. But.. Today, I realised one thing that hasn't change about me (besides my freckles xD) .. its who I want to be.

I still want to be that star. I still want to be someone who's 'cool' in a way. that can get along with just anyone and smile with just anybody at all. But I can't, i think I've been trying really hard all this while. But I have never ever got to that spotlight. I'm always.. shy, and the more introvert me. I can't laugh when there's nothing to laugh about, and I can't create funny jokes when I want to and I can't talk the way other people do. I just can't.. I've tried, so many times. And I've failed to do so, SO MANY TIMES.

Even so, I still wanna be in that spotlight, I'm still trying, but my resolve and my will is growing weaker and weaker every single time I try. I see all the darkness around me and that one tiny light.. but its so distant. I can't reach that far.. I can't run that fast, I can't smile so easily, I can't laugh when there's no reason to, I can't ever have that valuable friendship ,.. I can't keep up.

The Darkness of Light

Okay, so maybe I was wrong.. maybe this thing couldn't have last. But.. I really wanted it to. And now, I'm just not sure.. Are you... am I.. are we.. always gonna be like this? On and off each and every time causing us to lose ourselves?

Blindness.. If there is only light in your world, how would light exist? Cause you can't see it, its all the same.. bright, it blinds you..

Yet, if there's only darkness, how can it exist too? You can't see anything at all.. you won't even know you're in the dark, it blinds you..

So that is like prove that in our life, every thing comes with a circumstance of the other. Like when our life just seems to be Happily Ever After, things starts to go wrong! And when things get so wrong, something will start to turn out right? Right? It happened to you right?

The thing is.. I never got this 'turning out right' thing even when I'm terribly sad and mad or disappointed or anything like that. Its terrible, really! Ugh.. I know its gonna happen, but,.. its not happening now.. and I'm so in the dumps .. = ="

By the way, I'm thinking of writing a novel! =) A short romance/ friendships story between (a guy) and (a girl) and their friends, I hope its good, if its not, .. weelll.. imma dump it in the trash bin xD

And here's an interesting website =P...

A thousand words,

A million emotions,

Billions of love,

But one you,

in one heart.

MINE~

Obsession or Love?

Sometimes you find yourself really overreacting when you're with someone.. ( well, in a good way, but you annoy them) And you can't help but be that way. Even if they don't like it, you really can't help it. Its kinda like.. it comes naturally.

Is wanting someone you really really like for yourself wrong? Its not wrong right? So why is it that we are always told that we're wrong? That its impossible for it to happen. IMPOSSIBLE? Is it..?? Cuz recently, it seems really impossible.. juz like you'd say it would happen.

I feel so lost of hope. Stupid.. I lost my faith in my friends now.. bummer.. I'm mad at ' person no.1" and "person no.2" Damn it all!! I'm so stupid, right? I know I am.... But I can't seem to change that.

I don't want to love you, but this feeling won't go away. I used to be so crazy over you. And, I think I still am.. just a little bit. But that bit's making me hurt SO much.. what should I do? People are telling me that I'm obsessed but i'm not.. There's a difference, I can feel it. But why does the possibility still exist?

Shaking and breaking,

tumbling and falling,

downgrading and decreasing,

the beauty in me.

Don't Wanna Lose This..

I've worked so hard.. gone through so much.. I don't want to lose this now. I don't wanna lose all that I've worked so hard for.. I don't wanna cry.. I don't wanna lose myself.. I don't wanna be not me.

I love you.. yet, it seems so hard. Am I not good enough.. shit. You damn freak. Shit head. Idiot.. Asshole.. you juz don't seem to understand. You're so oblivious. You are just so blind.. Why can't you open that blind eyes of yours just for a steady minute and look around you for instance?

Everything.. not only me.. but everything.. was caused by your foolishness. They're not what they once used to be. They're all corrupted, filthy, destroyed, they are all so deep in the dark that it seems impossible to get them out of it again. i don't want to be corrupted by that darkness.. not to the core.

I hate this.. It must've been I dunno.. 10 posts that I wrote the "I hate.." bla bla bla line. Yeah, I'm getting tired of that..>3> Not only do I hate this though, I don't really want to be a part of this anymore. Why should I stay if its only gonna hurt me more..? There is absolutely no reason at all to. So..

I might be leaving.. I'm thinking about it. What do you think?

Underhanded techniques

and wise decisions,

the double sides of poles

that always attracts one another.

The beginning of chaos..

the suffering of the between.

Driving Me Crazy!!

My SISTER!!! She's like.. totally driving me nuts, I tell you..!! She's so hot-tempered, she's a show-off and she's so ... CLUELESS!! The annoying type of clueless, you know..?? Damn!! @_@ I can't take it LAH!

I mean, just when I'm about to forgive her, there she goes crushing my faith. Its like, she's purposely trying to anger me or something.. =.=" Which is SO not nice!!! ARGGGHH!!! I'm so tired, mad, crazy, exhausted, hungry, thirsty, hot and.. I dunno, sad!!! Anything depressing thing you can find in the dictionary!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!