Thanks a Lot

No, I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm meaning this.. thank you very much

from the bottom of my heart.

I truly am grateful that you gave me this experience of a lifetime

I will never forget.

I will never forget how you shown me love and kindness like no other

I will never forget how much you cared even when you had your fair share of problems.

I'm not afraid of you.

I don't hate you.. guys.

The people I want to be.

The happy cheery and loud people.

I'm just jealous.

It brought me to who-knows-where-I-am now.

I like you.

I do.

I just can't find it in my heart to open my heart again.

I'm gonna try..

whatever it takes.

I don't mind being shamed anymore.

I don't want to be Miss Unfair and Alone anymore

I want to stop this nonsense.

I have to change.

I've been told too many times already.

And all the times I've been told and ignored.

I will double that time of trying and actually doing something

To 2 Arif peeps:

I'm sorry I'm such a bitch.

for writing your names down..

for handing them to Mr.Robert.

I'm sorry that you don't like the way I'm doing that..

Actually I was at a period of time where

i was really emotionally broken down

I was so pissed

I felt like crying and screaming and letting out my piss all at the same time.

I was taking out my anger at you guys

I hope you understand..

I know I was wrong

I'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

I promise I will make it up to you guys.

I promise I won't simply write down your names anymore.

but you do have to understand, its my job.

I won't do much more than that.

I want to know that even though i've become a bitch and that some of u dislike me already,

i'm gonna change.

I'm gonna pay for what i did two times over.

i'm gonna help you guys.

just ask me for anything.. I'll be glad to help.

Megan.. or Sonia.. or whoever that's reading this, please spread it

I want you guys (2Arif peeps) to know that i love you.. not in a gay way,

just.. me-loving-my classmates way.

And i'm really sorry for being such a bitch.

I'm gonna be contented with what i have.

I'm gonna change.

And this time, if i fall and break and shatter and suffocate,

i know I have my friends and everyone else to back me up.

2Arif I'm really sorry.. i hope u can forgive me for insulting you guys..

Sorry..

I'm actually sick in a sense that I'm coughing..

and that I'm lost and confused..

and that my I feel so weak.. like I've lost all my energy.

And I hate to admit it but..

I feel lonely.

Even though you guys are around,

even though I laugh or smile or try to be happy,

I'm lonely.

I don't know why...

And I think.. I feel...

that other people don't want me around.

(not you guys, just.. some bitches and .. some other guys..)

I feel like no matter how hard I try to be a friend,

it never works.

Instead of giving them the idea that I want to be their friend,

I end up giving them the idea that I'm annoying.

And, yes, I don't know why.

So am I supposed to suck like this for the rest of my life?

Its gone so long already...

REALLY REALLY long..

And I don't know why you call yourselves Christians..

and you're not helping me at all.

You guys are so not showing kindness at all.

You're thinking I'm just an annoying girl that does not deserve my attention

unless I need her to like.. borrow book right?

Or change the speed of the fan?(ex.)

I know it!!

Don't you dare deny it!

That's what your eyes tell me..

heck, its what you DO!

If you're Christians.. you're not supposed to hurt people this way!

You're not supposed to back stab people.

You're not supposed to cast people you do not favor to a corner

You're not supposed to BE THIS WAY!!

I don't even know what Christians are anymore you know that?!

You guys are corrupted evil minded freaks!

And someday, you're gonna pay the price for disgracing His name..

God is a fair God.

... And i'm sorry for yelling and screaming and venting..

I'm sorry for emo-ing..

I'm sorry for jerking you guys off..

I'm sorry for crying..

I'm sorry for being annoying.

I'm sorry for being a nobody to you.

I'm sorry for being so sensitive

I'm sorry for being so emotional.

I'm sorry for being a jerk.

I'm sorry for my jealousy towards you

I'm sorry for my anger

I'm sorry for what I've done in the past.

I'm sorry for being a nerd.

I'm sorry for being so overprotective.

I'm sorry that I hurt myself.

I'm sorry for putting the blame on you.

I'm sorry for putting on a disguise.. a show.

I'm sorry for making you feel sad.

I'm sorry for being wrong.

I'm sorry for stirring up unneeded problems.

I'm sorry for making such mistakes.

I'm sorry that I can't tell you face-to-face

I'm sorry that my life is so horrible.

I'm so sorry for putting an extra burden on you

I'm so sorry for cursing you at night before I sleep

I'm sorry for not listening to your advice,

I'm sorry because I felt like I'd wanted to murder you

I'm sorry for being so selfish

I'm sorry for being ugly.

I'm sorry for being so long-winded

I'm sorry for over reacting

I'm sorry that I brought you down.

I'm sorry that I made myself become like this.

I'm sorry that I've never succeeded in anything I try,

I'm sorry that I looked down on you..

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..

The World Is Unfair.. Too Unfair..

Okay.

Just for this moment.

I'm not gonna listen to what anybody tells me.

And talk/type my heart out.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder (really i can't help it)

I'm a girl that doesn't randomize, doesn't joke smoothly and doesn't stand out.

Then i look at all the other people who can and are always ... happy and satisfied.

That, in case any of you didn't know, was my dream ever since I was seven.

I wanted to be happy and satisfied.

To laugh like there isn't a care in the world.

To smile a true smile.. not faked.

But.. none of that happened for SEVEN whole years

no matter how hard i tried..

no matter how much time i was given..

my confidence and strength got crushed and trampled on over and over again

until I feel weak.. and I feel.. lost...

people tell me i can still try

people tell me i have what it takes for that dream to be realized.

but, they have no idea how many times i've tried

and failed.. so many times over.

And now I'm like.. nothing..

scarred..

and they tell me that that can heal.

I mean I know it can but..

before that can happen, I must have confidence first right?

But i don't have it anymore

I'm.. okay, admit, negative.. and broken.

I used to be the total opposite.

Bright, proud, happy, satisfied, cheerful.. positive.. CONFIDENT.

now look at me, what I've become.

I'm nothing but a girl who is not alone

but who doesn't know how to heal herself even with help.

Who's dumbified..

I've spent too long with this one dream..

Too long holding on to this eternally unreachable dream.

I can't be that person i dream about.

Even if a wishing star were to appear.

THERE IS JUST NO WAY.

I realised that.

i'm just this weak person.

i was just acting strong in the past.

That was probably why i was so stupid and.. crude last time.

I'm gonna be this person-- the current me-- for my entire life.

And I'm gonna have to stick with this..

whether i like it or not.

Whether I hurt or not..

That is why, qian and christine..

I cried today.

i couldn't speak and put it in words that'll come out from my mouth

but at least by this, you'll understand.

You guys deserve to know

As my buddies =)

I hurt.. because when I think about this,

and I hear the noise in the class, (the noise meaning people happily chatting)

I realize how my dream is never ever to be realized.

And just so ya'll know,

noise in class isn't just gonna break the teacher's heart,

it has other hidden consequences too...

like breaking MY heart.

Always knowing

somewhere deep inside,

that it was never going to happen.

Nothing's Impossible

Sometimes you want to free yourself from your own problems,

You're so caught up in your own web,

you can't see the other webs around you..

the one your friends are in.

yes. I'm talking to you. Whoever u r thats reading this.

This is not directed to only one person.

Its to everybody,

including MYSELF.

I know we're just humans and we're not perfect.

We can't try to solve our own probs and help other people at the same time

But ..

You know

Nothing's impossible.

I believe in that.

All you need is not faith, trust and pixie dust.

All you need is faith in God.

And also your hard work. Without wither, nothing will work out the way you want it to.

And sometimes you get so mad at yourself because

you get mad at your friends

sometimes for things they do that u know you can forgive

and sometimes for things they didn't do at all...

isn't that just frustrating?

And you know you want to forgive them,

but you just can't.

Why is that?

.. Do what you need to do.

Do you what you must do.

Even if it seems impossible.

Even if you might lose everything.

have the courage to gain everything back if you ever fall.

Trust in yourself and your belief.

And you'll succeed

and embrace that dream..

you've always dreamed of.

Sometimes I feel Like You Really Just Don't Care At All...

I know you care about me..

I know u wanna cheer me up when I'm down..

I know you really do like me as a close friend.

But when I look at you sometimes,

I get this awkward irritable feeling that..

You really just don't care.

You just need a shoulder to lean on.

You won't talk, won't care..

But I KNOW you do, see?

Its like taboo.

I hate that I feel this way.

I mean, why can't I just lay low and lead a quiet and peaceful teenage life?

This is so effin' troublesome...!

its like one thing comes after the other

and I have like, no rest.. at all!!!

Damn it!

I love you, I really do...

But I tried and tried and tried and tried and TRIED to leave you alone!

I tried SO many times thinking that I could just forget about you

and have a fun life by myself without you having to butt into anything!!

I feel like a mess!

A big pile of mess!!

like shit, fertilizer, faeces whatever you call it!

I'm so stupid..

I knew I couldn't do that, yet I stupidly and stubbornly tried

....

Once I knew you,

Twice, I knew YOU

Trice, I knew the REAL you.

It Comes, Just Like That

I hate it when this happens!

When everything just don't come together!!

When I'm tired mad, confused, sick(as in, seriously sick) and mad!!

And I have to-- have to--.. homework!! ARGH!!

And I can't even talk to my big bro!

And why am I mad you ask?

Because everybody is such a drag queen!

And so am I!

Let's face it!

I'm a jerk!

A two-faced loser!

I refuse to see the good side of things!

And I accept the bad!

WHY??!

Even I don't understand!

I can't figure it out!

I get mad at stupid things! ( i know, sue me for all i care)

And I get mad at my friends because THEY are mad sometimes (how stupid is that?!)

I'm just so sick and tired of me!

i'm throwing me away!

I just so wish I can do it straight away!

But life is not that easy isn't it??!

It takes such an effin' long time.

And now other people are like..--

OH!

Point is!

I just-- i'm mad okay?!

I'm gonna be fine tomorrow

I'm.. gonna... be fine...

Don't Be Yourself; Its a Lie

You know people always say

"Just be Yourself, you'll Be Fine"?

Well, I found out recently that that's just wrong.

You can't be yourself.

You know why?

Because 'yourself' is not you.

I know that sounds really complicated and everything.

But its not. really.

You yourself is not a person filled with anything good.

You yourself is a bad and naturally guilty individual.

So when you are to be yourself,

you're not gonna make yourself feel any better.

You're only gonna make yourself feel worse.

That is why they say your greatest enemy is yourself.

So do you know who you can be if not yourself?

And if not God?

Then search for the qualities that you find it good and best for yourself.

Find it! Never lose hope!

Faithful? Loyal? Kind?

Generous? Beautiful? Smart? Creative?

Cheerful? Sporting? Mature?

Whatever!

Put your choices all together.

Then make it your goal..

Your target!

Work towards it!

You CAN be a better person

You don't have to be you.

I admit it.

I'm a sucker at this too.

but i'm trying to be not me..

and I want to share this with the rest of you because I love you

And I care for you. =)