The Pleasure of Amnesia

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just conveniently forget every trauma and problem in your life and live a new, changed life?

People with amnesia usually ends up not knowing who they are and forgetting everything that happened in their past. (of course along with not knowing people whom they knew before the amnesia)

And I thought.. you know, amnesia really is a good thing at times. Some are lucky.. while some are not.. so much. xD Well, I think you get my point.

I'm still in the process of trying my best to not to forget about my past, but to keep the good memories in my heart, live for the present and think of what I should do for the future. I've told myself this countless times before. And although they didn't work before, I'm sure it will work this time.

I promise...

Oh, and one more thing. From Science, we all learned that the fingertips are one of the most sensitive places of our whole body right? (I think so..) And some people experiencing depression or traumatic incidents will cut themselves at the wrist or arms right?(I think so.. AGAIN x3)

But, I, I peel my skin out at my fingertips.. Am I in depression? Or am I depressed at all? o.O I don't think so though. I think I'm just psycho. =.= I'd better stop this peeling now. 'Else...I wouldn't be able to do the house chores properly anymore xD And heck, I don't want THAT.

I'd get a whole lot of lecture lol.

Some say I'm always overreacting,

Some say I'm Miss Drama Queen,

But you know what?

I don't care anymore..

Because all I have is me to live for

Also, for the truth

And that is what I'll do.

Can't... Concentrate.. AGH!!

I can't study sivik, kemahiran hidup and computer!! GAHHH!!! I mean, =.= I AM studying but it can't get into my head! WHY??!! And I'm trying so freaking HARD!!!

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...... well.... at least tomorrow's the last day =P

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

Then after that, I can start writing my stories again!! WHEE~ I haven't written them in ages! AGES I tell you! xD

Well toodles~ See you tomorrow!! GAhahahahahahah!

A moments peace

brings a long term of

wonderful memory.

Too Much of Anything Can Make You Sick

=.= I know what you're thinking..

If you think I copied this from Cheryl Cole's Fight For This Love, then you're wrong!

Cause I thought about it earlier... well.. before I heard her song xD

Too much of sweets can make you puke,

Too much of happiness can curse you right back,

Too much of crying can make the sadness disappear,

Too much of love can make you sick of it.

I'm tired of crying for you.

I'm tired of waiting for you every single time.

I'm SICK and tired of you being so ignorant!!

I've had enough.

I want a change.

And damn it, I AM changing.

I don't want this -- YOU to get in my way any more.

And I know its the same for you.

Its a done deal. We don't need to have anything to do with each other.

The moments we spent together was like a dream.. an illusion... a fake.

Its time I see the truth and face it.

I need to overcome my fears, accept them, and move on.

Discovering the light of the truth,

abandoning the illusions of the darkness,

walking on a treaded path to happiness,

is there more to that truth?

Hey~ It IS Better This Way~ xP

Yeah~ like, when I don't think too much, I'm having much more fun than what I have used to have. Usually, if I think .. for example; if I say this, would we argue later? or should I talk to her..?

When I do that, the things that I don't want to happen WILL happen. And that really sucks man.

But big deal~ it doesn't bug me as much anymore. =P

Oh oh oh~ And today's exam was easier than yesterday's.. =.= I wonder why.. But yesterday's was art and kesihatan though.. why was it so difficult? o.O And today's BM and Geo.. Why is it easy? xD lol.. wth...

Let our sins be forgiven sincerely and may God's grace be upon all our hearts and souls.

--Amen! x3 -- Rashiru-chan awaiting your command! xD (joking)

Kaze no Stigma!! > < Kyaa!

Mr.Eiran was so cute today~ I drew him at the back of my exam paper!! Muahahaha! (1st day of examination's today) =3

My Kesihatan paper stinks.. I think I'm gonna either fail it, or barely pass it.. =.= and my Art Paper 2... it sucks TOO! Damnit!! And I don't think I'm going to ace my Art Paper 1 too. Shit.. man..

Oh well, I always suck after all.. haih.. its what you call a natural thingy huh? xD

Anywaay~ I'm into Kaze no Stigma again!! Its so interesting!

Well, I've already seen it once, but... I've forgotten what's gonna happen and I don't think.. I remember.. how Chui Ling and Kazuma met... =.="

Me and my bad memory!!

I guess things ain't that bad today.. exams actually lighten up the emotional stuffs you know? LOL. Cause your mind's so focused on the exam you don't have enough space to fill in for the emos. AH~ and that is why exams make me happy.

Its not like I like examinations. In fact, I HATE it. Have to study.. so freakin' hard.. To stay in Arif ( the smartest class) I'm not gonna stay if I don't start reading!! T^T GAAHH~!!! I think Imma need to go now.

Oyasumi nasai~ --Rashiru-chan

Lying to Myself

Minds.. can really play dumb tricks on you, huh?

This that aren't there.. will persist to exist if you believe.

But if you don't, its not there at all.

I want to be happy, but somehow deep inside of me, my mind keeps telling me that I don't need that. I don't need that happiness. I don't WANT to be happy.

But its not true! I want to smile and laugh and be cheerful, but I can't! My mind's playing all these tricks on me and I can't focus... I'm lying to myself..Its such a pain.

What.. should I do?

Ain't Gettin' NoWhere..

I keep thinking of who I am.. when the answer is clear. And I keep thinking of what I should aim for... which is really a blur to me now. But, really, where am I heading? I can't live smiling without reason like this forever. It doesn't make sense. And if you think I'm not making sense, then don't get annoyed anymore. Get out of here.

I don't like people who don't like me. Its kinda natural I guess. But what's the meaning of it..? It is wrong. It is wrong to be natural. That is what I was told. And also what I believe in, currently..

When I see other people being a better person than me, I feel down.. Maybe.. I'm wrong..?

Do You Have To Make Sense To Set Things Right?

Well, to me, I really don't think so lorh~ xD

Well, I'm kinda happy today =3 So, I'm just pretty much typing that emo statement up there cuz I have nothing else to type. = =" I'm not crazy ok?? (I know what you're thinking) iTs called R.A.N.D.O.M.

And I realise today that I kinda... put aside Forbidden History for ... quite a long time. (yes one week or more) And that is NOT good, I should seriously start to continue the story until it is finished. I don't want it to just die off like that!!

... Okay, forgetting about that teensy-weensy part for a bit. Here's what I think of my circle of friendship today:

So, recently, I have not failed to join/make a NEW group. Not that I particularly care, but still... this topic makes me feel indifferent. Oh well, the point of diaries/my blog/ journals are supposed to make you feel that way right? xD

And in this new one, (as usual) the beginning is always merry, exciting and refreshing. It made me feel like I.. belong there. (the naivety.. sigh..) But soon after, there existed many problems.. (many of which, mostly, do not involve me, but..) its really troubling. You know.. the .. sutff.. right??

No dirty thoughts please. XD lol. just random. Stupid RomeoxJuliet advertisement's getting to my head.

Oh well... life's just like that I guess. Bye bye!

Why is it happening?

Why is this happening again? ... Is this supposed to happen? Or is it because of something I did..

Crap. I keep losing myself. It is so difficult to ignore the fact that I just need you. But I can't.. 'cuz its not possible. But I can't just throw that fact away. You have no freaking idea how many times I'd tried to!!!

Oh well, .. maybe you're in a worse situation than I am. But you know what? Your prob might be bigger than mine, but that doesn't mean mine means any lesser than yours.

Nobody understands me. Not for now.. Or at least not as far as I know. I hope someday, someone will. And maybe by that time, I will truly experience the joy of someone who understands and who will always stand by me. =)

Happy 5th May everybody!! ( To whoever's birthday is today xD ) Let's hope that everything will go well tomorrow. Its been such a long time since I had total peace in one day.

A time for one moment,

one moment for a time,

of never ending

wishes of harmony.

A Harsh Truth

Maybe I didn't want to admit this all along, but.. I knew that this would happen anyway. Again and again. It makes me feel terrible but, I don't have any other choice.

Why are feelings so unfair sometimes? Why must I feel more to one person and less to the other when they are, actually, equal? It turns everything upside down. I can always seek protection from one side, but the other always gives me un-reassuring feelings.. which would most probably mean that I would feel weird, lost.. and most of all, regret.

I love the fact that I have people to turn to and people to laugh, cry and smile with. But what does that all mean when that person looks down on you? When that person denies the fact that you'd understand them.. Well maybe you don't .. I DON'T. But, I want to...

So here's something that makes sense:

'How would you know that something if no one tells you about it?'

I mean, seriously. = = Like, you wouldn't know how to read if people didn't tell you how to/ teach. And you wouldn't walk if you weren't trained by your parents, telling you everyday that it'll be okay. The same way I wouldn't understand anything .. if you don't tell me.

Whenever I see the truth in your eyes, in your words, in your heart, I feel pain. A sharp, sharp pain. A pain that no medicine can heal/ a pain that no laugh can heal. When I see that harsh truth, when I see that you deny my feelings ( especially when I don't like it myself) I feel terribly heartbroken. Does it matter so much about what people think of you?

A misty night,

the blurry vision

of a starlit moonlight.

A clouded heart,

the undecisive personality

of a fully loved

DARKNESS.

Experiencing Preserved Memories; Time Consumes..

I don't know why. But my life is always like a roller coaster. I can't get off this ride. And it keeps turning round and sometimes slow and steady, sometimes rough and fast sometimes easy.. sometimes pressuring.

And when I read stories through others' experiences, I find that my life is so simple compared to theirs. .. I mean, mine is not even worth comparing. If my heart is broken, God knows how broken theirs are.

I've been through this over and over. But I keep making the same mistakes, tripping over the same stone, throwing rocks at all the wrong places. And why is that..? Probably because I can't seem to accept the truth. The truth that I.. I.. need to change.

I've always known this. I knew I was crazy and violent and misleading last time, I knew I had to change. but I was afraid to do so. And even now, after so many years, I'm still sitting here, facing this very computer.. wondering what I should do when it is all so clear.

I can't just change. That's not enough. I need to know what to do after that. I need to stop tripping over the same stone and throw rocks at all the wrong places. I need to look up, to face rejections, to overcome my fears, and to.. (what I'm most scared of) think positive.

Man, it does sound so easy doesn't it? I mean, think positive? Anybody can do that~

Yeah right. That's what people say.. just all for show. I dunno.. maybe they think its cool to have their own quotes or something. But its not easy... Especially for me. It takes time. And yes, it takes a LOT of time. It feels impossible, but I know its not. Crazy.. isn't it?

So, right now, I just need some alone time. Or at least, some peace and quiet. I need not to think, but to adjust myself.. I lack the spirit.. the cheerfulness.. the truth.. the confidence! And I've ALSO known that all along.

As in Galatians 5:22-23 =

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Joy,

Peace,

Patience,

Kindness,

Goodness,

Faithfulness,

Gentleness,

And self-control.

It just struck me.. you know? All those morals.. I don't have enough of them. Most importantly, I did not know until now. About this, a single verse from the Bible...

No offence to those non-believers out there but.. I really believe in this stuff. This Christian and Godly stuff.. namely, Christianity. I have always seeked for a companion. A true lover.( Okay, I admit it ) A true sibling.

A true parent.. And a true friend.

But now I realise.. there is no other better friend than Christ and God. Why am I still searching? I don't need any more than what I have. Because the time that I live right now, every second that passes by, will be recorded in my heart diary. Although, it consumes much time for changing me, I will do my best and treasure every other moment I have in between.

A repeated mistake,

The coincidence of You,

is this your light?

Have you finally shown me..

what you are?