I don't know why. But my life is always like a roller coaster. I can't get off this ride. And it keeps turning round and sometimes slow and steady, sometimes rough and fast sometimes easy.. sometimes pressuring.
And when I read stories through others' experiences, I find that my life is so simple compared to theirs. .. I mean, mine is not even worth comparing. If my heart is broken, God knows how broken theirs are.
I've been through this over and over. But I keep making the same mistakes, tripping over the same stone, throwing rocks at all the wrong places. And why is that..? Probably because I can't seem to accept the truth. The truth that I.. I.. need to change.
I've always known this. I knew I was crazy and violent and misleading last time, I knew I had to change. but I was afraid to do so. And even now, after so many years, I'm still sitting here, facing this very computer.. wondering what I should do when it is all so clear.
I can't just change. That's not enough. I need to know what to do after that. I need to stop tripping over the same stone and throw rocks at all the wrong places. I need to look up, to face rejections, to overcome my fears, and to.. (what I'm most scared of) think positive.
Man, it does sound so easy doesn't it? I mean, think positive? Anybody can do that~
Yeah right. That's what people say.. just all for show. I dunno.. maybe they think its cool to have their own quotes or something. But its not easy... Especially for me. It takes time. And yes, it takes a LOT of time. It feels impossible, but I know its not. Crazy.. isn't it?
So, right now, I just need some alone time. Or at least, some peace and quiet. I need not to think, but to adjust myself.. I lack the spirit.. the cheerfulness.. the truth.. the confidence! And I've ALSO known that all along.
As in Galatians 5:22-23 =
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Joy,
Peace,
Patience,
Kindness,
Goodness,
Faithfulness,
Gentleness,
And self-control.
It just struck me.. you know? All those morals.. I don't have enough of them. Most importantly, I did not know until now. About this, a single verse from the Bible...
No offence to those non-believers out there but.. I really believe in this stuff. This Christian and Godly stuff.. namely, Christianity. I have always seeked for a companion. A true lover.( Okay, I admit it ) A true sibling.
A true parent.. And a true friend.
But now I realise.. there is no other better friend than Christ and God. Why am I still searching? I don't need any more than what I have. Because the time that I live right now, every second that passes by, will be recorded in my heart diary. Although, it consumes much time for changing me, I will do my best and treasure every other moment I have in between.
A repeated mistake,
The coincidence of You,
is this your light?
Have you finally shown me..
what you are?
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