Dreaming of An Unreasonable Hope

Yeah, well, I had a dream.. AGAIN. Last night.

I dreamt of everything I ever wanted.

Perfect friends, family, life, fortune, fame, happiness and of course, flawless beauty. Anything any other teen girl would wish for.

I appreciated everything in that dream. I was always either smiling or laughing. I was happy.

By the way, I also had a perfect boyfriend. Smart, tall, handsome, athletic, kind, positive-thinking, sweet and romantic.

And in my dream, I was even happy while sleeping.. with a smile on my face.

When I woke up in the morning, I found it weird, laughable and crazy.

Because I knew something like that is impossible. Not only for me, for everyone else too.

A complete and perfect life full with smiles and devoid of grief. Who has that? Nobody.

And it dawdled on me. That happiness pushed me down. Immediately, I felt like a big rock just fell on my back.

As if, my hopes were all suddenly crushed.

The truth is:

I'm afraid of my mum at times which I did not at all in the dream.

I get annoyed and mad too frequently.

I have loads of problems both personality and academics wise. Which was the total opposite in the dream.

I'm hot-tempered, sensitive, not-so-pretty.. average I guess, lazy and an asshole.

I don't have a boyfriend with all the best qualities in the world.

I cry and break down at the littlest of things.

I can't face my fears.

I cling on to people so badly hoping that they would love me in return for my love for them,

but they just swing me off, throwing me into a dark corner again and again

until I've forgotten how it feels like to really love and smile for somebody.

That is all the truth about me that I will never be able confess with words.

Because, like I said, I can't face my fears.. I'm afraid I'll hurt myself even more.

I'm a coward.

I don't really have anyone to love truthfully.

I don't even know if I'm overlooking some things.

But I'm too afraid to look back and check... to know that if I did overlook, I lost something important which I'll never be able to retrieve again.

All I'm doing now is to live through the days..

In the best effort I can.

Through this cowardice and problems weighing down on me.

Waiting for that one person who'll magically step into my darkness and pull me out of there.

To see the light and to know how it is to smile for a loved one again.

Distancing myself from heartache,

Running from possible danger,

Reaching out only to pull back again,

Cowardice.

The real me.