Maybe We Weren't Supposed to End Up This Way After All..

I really hate you, you know? You just don't understand sometimes.. all you think is about yourself, now I'm wondering if I even have the right to say that, but.. all I know is that I feel so idiotic today.

Its like you're so far away from me. I can't reach you no matter what I do. I don't want to feel like shit like this.. I don't want to cry about how un-useful i am! I hate this! I hate ME! and you... FREAK...

This totally sux. I don't know what i should do, I really don't! I don't know what I can do to reach your level.. I feel so dumb and stupid like I'm always gonna stay a noob. I feel so ugly, stupid and noob-ish today! F&*%!

Finding a place to belong to..

Searching for a person who'd gladly take you in,

what would you have done

if there was no place you could've been?

Learning

Life is about so many things. Words cannot express how much it means. But what i now know is that I have to learn. I'm not really very young, but i am considered pretty young and I still have lots and lots of things to learn and to achieve my goals.

I've always wondered if learning was a torture or a pleasure.. I have not really found my perfect answer yet but for the time being, I guess living what my life is now to the fullest would be the main thing I should do.

Praise be to my parents, teachers and friends who have stayed with me all through my life. Thank you and have a good day =3

When you're mad,

you seek violence,

when you're happy,

you seek more pleasure,

when you're gone,

you seek no more..

Communication & Separation

When we speak, words are said. Messages are conveyed.. and feelings are expressed. I believe that we can create our future by just our words.. and that alone.

But it can break hearts.. and I don't want us to break apart. I don't want us to lose everything all alone. And cry every night as we recall the moments of our separation.. I don't want it to be so painful. I want us all to feel contented with it and continue to move on with our life with a smile on our face-- not just any smile, but a true smile.

I don't want you to come back someday, seeking revenge for me. I don't want you to suffer and live with the pain forever.. I don't know what to do.. What should I do?

Updates on Forbidden History: ( End of Part 2 from Forbidden history 5)

- Grace stumbles upon a mysterious door and enters a room..

- Joshua and Krystal encounters one another on the battlefield.

- Reduxion searches for Grace as he sense insecurity from her.. he reveals that the room she is in is the long-lost "Wishing Stars" room.

- 'Sarah' appears.. An imposter taking the form of the real Sarah.

- Xarlon and Pamelia combines. thus, forming Xaprion. A reknowned strong vampire in Demon World.

- Rachel and Grace enters a 'heaven' and meets Tanya for a little while.

- As they are in 'heaven', Rachel confesses her love for Reduxion once again.. this time, with a full

consciousness and pure intention.

Talk to reach,

speak and understand,

walk to a distance,

talk to separation..

Dreamer..

Every single time I close my eyes, I dream.. In a dream, grief, doubt and despair might never exist if I don't want it to. Because it is MY world. I'm the creator.. the genesis.

But I don't dream because I want to. It just comes naturally.. so naturally that sometimes I'm not able to control it. It scares me when something happens that I wouldn't ever want to, even if it is just a dream. It makes me feel like it will come true one day.

I want to love the nights that I have happy dreams that is filled with content of happiness and love, like being in a wonderland. I don't want to remember the nights I cried because of fear and anguish.. depression and doubt.

I once dreamt of you leaving me all alone.. to fend for myself. It was so scary. I did not ever want to end up like that. But it did happen.. and now I don't know what to do anymore. I want to tell you things locked up in my heart.. things that I wouldn't ever be brave enough to tell. But I'm afraid I'll hurt you, your feelings, and your pride.

I had also once dreamt of a place where many of my loved ones were there always welcoming me wherever I go, I loved that so much. I felt like I belonged there.. at the place where warm hearts and love lingers even in the air itself. I wanted never to wake up and find out it was just fake, a dream. but, of course, that's impossible.

Reality is a competition, a battlefield. I hated every morning.. especially the times when I find myself awake in my bed and realize that the vision I had in my head was all just a dream..

I wonder.. I wonder when you will realize that the wishing star and ragnarok is so close.. but.. maybe that's why we're human. We're blind to chaos beyond our comprehension..

Always trying,

always failing,

to stand up again,

to fall right on the face with stain.

Downfall.. 1st to 2nd

I loved the challenges and I love the moments we had together.. the times when we would laugh at just nothing at all and feel our heart beat at the slightest touch. I wanted it to last forever.. Never ending...

But of course, nothing lasts forever. So, yeah. Apparently, now, I always feel like second best. Looking at family, friends and even close friends...

I never was the 1st person they'd look at. They would only run to me for help when they needed someone's shoulder to cry on.. Not that that's bad. Really. I like that, and I wouldn't usually bother complaining about this at all but... sometimes when I'm all alone, I'll wonder if there really will be a person in the future that will care for me the most.. and to embrace me with a compassionate heart.

Maybe this is all too early for me though.. Love and all that. But.. ( see? I'm unconsciously trying to shake this off again) I mean, I dunno.. I want someone to care whole-heartedly. I feel so alone sometimes. I don't wanna feel that way~ ... I want to be happy. That's natural.. right?

Its amazing how God created us,

Its amazing how he led me here today,

Its amazing how you loved me..

Its amazing how you'd just let go like that.

Sick... Energy-less

Sorry guys, I'm sick today. I don't feel very well and I'm like.. out of energy. =.= I really don't know how this happened. I can't type a lot today, so... yeah. I'm so sorry.

Updates on Forbidden History:-

- Teresa orders an army of Virdana soldiers to attack Reduxion's hide-out.( She knows his place..

lol)

- Reduxion does not allow Grace to fight at the battlefield.

You cry when you lose,

you scream when you win,

you laugh when you're happy,

you smile that beautiful smile when you're contented.

Beautiful View.. Sick of You

Hi there! Welcome and uh.. fine whatever. =.= Its not like I particularly care. Read at your own risk.

Once upon a time, we were great friends. We were always there for each other. Inseparable.. I loved you. All of you.. I'd thought I would protect this valuable friendship, no matter what.. But what has become of that will? I'm afraid it has been shattered countless of times. I'm tired, girl. I'm tired of always backing you up when you only trample on me.

So I decided it would be better for us to part after all. So why is it that you keep wanting to come back to me? >3> Its pointless to even think about, ok? I'm NEVER coming back. Let me spell that out for you. N.E.V.E.R.

Stupid.. I'm so sick of you.. Just leave me alone.

"Sometimes I wonder how I fell for you. I've forgotten. I don't think that's much of a coincidence. Because I know that deep within my heart, i did not even want to know you at all.

You used to be so beautiful. So wonderful and magnificent. You shone among all others who were beside you, like the morning sunlight, the beautiful view...

But now? Sigh.. Like.. I don't know what I should call you.. Tar? As dirty, sticky, dark and filthy as tar is itself. You are lost in yourself. You don't know what you're doing. You think whatever you do, is always the right thing. Shall I tell you straight? You're a nuisance. Not only to me, but to everyone ( well, almost everyone) around you as well. I hate you so much.. you broke my heart."

Updates on Forbidden History:-

- Reduxion is told that Grace's and his lifeline is coming to an end by Rachel.

- Anabelle returns from her journey temporarily to inform the others at Castle

Virdana about the 'Last Prophecy'.. indestructible.

- Time passes by quickly and vacation's up.

- In order to ensure that they can live longer, Reduxion keeps away from Grace.

Lovely as the morning dew,

Beautiful as the wide universe,

Down you came for my love to you,

And away you went with the bitterness stuck,

..with me.. forever.

big Cross at my Heart

What would you have done if you had always believed... pledging with a 'cross my heart' vow. Hoping that just one day, happiness will enter your life so that you will be able to have a true smile on your face alongside the one you love. And one day, you finally realized that 'cross' meant nothing. For the both of you were destined to face hardships worse than that of average.

The minorities didn't always matter. You would throw everything away for him/her but in the end, when you find out how dire your situation is, you find out that the minorities were so important.. SO important that you shouldn't have ignored them.. abused them.

All of us have a heart. This heart of ours contains all emotions. Anger, hatred, depression, sadness as well as happiness, forgiveness, kindness and love. Who would've ever known that these emotions could stir a battlefield in ourselves. A strong and complex one.. it is our duty to win no matter what. But it is so difficult that sometimes, some of us just breaks down and give up. Thus, entering a depressing lifestyle with no hope.

All i want to say for today is if you want to even start the 'cross', you must really believe you can win.. because once the 'cross' starts, its a never ending chain. The cross is the sword.. the chains are the battles you have to face. Before picking up the sword, ensure that you have prepared yourself fully. Or you shall be hurt deeply.

Leaving that cross on your heart as a deep, deep scar.

Love can hurt,

Love can heal,

The cross starts,

the battle prolongs,

its a tough battlefield.

人 生 UNO Camp~ Motivation and Self-Satisfaction

Yo! I'm back... hahaha. I apologize that I've been gone for 3 days and 2 nights and I never updated my daily blog.. LOL. But I had lots of fun. And although I cannot speak Chinese very well, I still managed to feel satisfied by their motivation.

First and foremost, I loved the 'Journey of Stars' activity. We are to hold onto a string blindfolded and walk not knowing where we are headed,.. well, to me it was kind of scary in the beginning (I'm a girl after all) because it was really dark out. .. It was night time, mind you. The real purpose of the activity is to help us realize that we are not alone in life and that there are other people always helping us.

Secondly, I liked the side-activity .. um, we participants will each have a 'guardian angel'. It is up to us if we want to or if we don't want to support/give love to the one we are supposed to protect. My guardian was really kind.. gave me a few stuff .. not very valuable haha.. but its the thought that counts! =P But , me, as a 'guardian angel', I did not give much lol. I only gave a can of coke. >3>

Lastly, I liked the beach and the sea. Just looking at the the sea made me feel so calm and at peace. It saddens me to know that humans are polluting our precious nature. But I can't help out with that now.. i'm only 14!! And so, the sound of the waves of the sea felt like the best music I could ever listen to. The waves emit the sound of someone or someplace that is forever calm.. forever free and just to not give a damn about anything else.

I liked this camp.. But I can't really say its REALLY good or anything. Its not bad. But I think I might not be going next year. If i had a choice, I would seriously go to a camp that speaks more English = ( Very well, this is about the end of my post for today. Luv you and Happy Holidays~

Stars shining,

under the moonlight dreaming,

I cried thinking of you,

trying to love you when I had it so hard..

A Time For Everything.. Love? LEARN.

A time to learn, a time to laugh, a time to leave.. and a time to live. Maybe we don't always have this in our mind, but we have very little time to live, to spend time with our loved ones and to achieve our dreams.

We have to use that time to its max. It doesn't matter if you lose halfway through the battle, all you have to do is just to stand up again.. wipe the tears away, and strive .. AGAIN. A life full of obstacles only to lead to victory.

I want to keep you smiling. I want to see you happy, to know that you're okay when I'm far, far away. At least to understand that you are not "dead".. to know that you're safe and sound.

Loving you is a hard thing to do with everything else going on in my life. Yet I cannot live without you around.. I wonder why? Love is indeed a really wonderful thing. Maybe I could kiss you goodnight tonight.. maybe I could hug you so tight that you won't be able to breathe, but darling,it wouldn't be enough.. Cause you are not mine yet.

Hahaha.. Gawd. I must be mad. I'm in a turmoil with my friends but all I can think about is you. I'm not always like this.. But just thinking of you, has kept me silent in my tears lighting a smile on my face.

I love you.. When will time come when you would understand truly? I wonder.. maybe 5 years later. That's so long.. do you know how torturing it is waiting for 5 years like that? Well, if it suits you, I would wait. As long as you want..

Cause my time now is not to love.. but to live learning about so many things. You are hidden in the very corner of my heart, a Sun shining so brightly in the dimness of my tiny little heart. I will always think of laughing, learning or even slaughtering but one fact remains. I will live to love You.. Now and forever, Jesus

A time for slaughter,

A time for laughter,

And finally,

A time for happily ever after.

Ace the Trace, Slice the Mistakes TO BE STRONG

"Retracing Your Steps" was and is still a sure enough way to discover some things that would seem impossible in the eyes of another. But it is not always very effective. It especially aches when you go through all the trouble retracing your steps and you get nothing but regret in the end.

'Wise people' such as our parents our grandparents, or any other grown-ups who states that they are wise tend to think that each and every advice they give us is right.. They think that everything they do is for our own good. But, hey, they're not perfect. They make mistakes too... WISE people make mistakes too. Yet, we, as children are pure and naive.. we are easily influenced by either other pureness or tainted darkness.

Yeah, because of what grown-ups told me, I thought I was good. I thought I had everything down. That my life would always be fine.. always be fulfilled.. just like they had defined my life to be. I find it SICK and WRONG. What is with the crap?

But life isn't always crap, it is also a treasure. All of us makes mistakes, even geniuses. No one can doubt that. We fall more times than when we'll finally be able to stand firm with our head held high. Even so, humans are naturally selfish right? But not only are we selfish, we are determined.

As long as we can see the existing light above, there is no way we will fall to the surrounding darkness. We are always fighting, putting up a brave front.. knowing that we'll die anytime. Another second later, maybe? Tomorrow? We never know, yet we never give up.

I want to be HUMAN, and that is one of my struggles in life. We might not notice, but by each passing day, we grow older, we grow weaker, our determination and knowledge grow shallower.

That is indeed why I intend to smile when I cry, .. to laugh when I'm confused. To live when I'm dying.. All for the sake of being human, which God, Our Creator has made us to be. Full of flaws on the outside, yet full of beauty on the inside. I am a tiny little cell in this whole Earth. When I'm gone, a part of everyone will feel a pain..


They feel it.. someone is dead. But we are not men with supernatural powers anything, so we don't know who.. where.. what.. has died. Therefore, from now till forever, I will continue to Ace the Trace, Slice the Mistakes and live through all obstacles TO BE STRONG.

The tears of an angel,
The kiss of a devil,
A trust to the traitor,
My love to you forever..

Loaded and Loathed

A terrible existence in this land.. whoever believes that is indeed a sorrowful person loaded with self-pity and loathes for eternity... You cry and cry and no one ever knows OR cares.

What we needed and what we always wanted in our life is love. And that remains unchanged forever.. However, because of love alone, we have suffered so much. God, family, friends .. and finally, our soul-mates.. we always have had sufficient things right in the palm of our hands, but we are blinded our own selfishness. We cannot see the truth, .. the truth hurts of course but its the right way.

Maybe when it finally ended, when i forced the string to break, I felt a sharp pain in my heart. The tears run down my cheeks.. My face, as ugly as it seemed, was hoping.. somewhere in the corner of my heart that when it comes for the next time we meet, everything will be okay. Everything will stay the same.. We'll all be smiling like we always did.

But I kept yelling at myself! "You can't turn back! You've made a decision, and you're gonna make that happen!" If I don't start now, it'll only hurt all of us more than it already is.. I don't want that to happen. All of us are already so sick of this too. I've had enough.. Its time to change.

And when I change, I don't want this phrase to just be said on this post, I want it to HAPPEN. And I will make sure that it does.

Baby your smile is the morning rays of sunlight,

your laugh is a beautiful song repeating itself in my head,

Your heart a treasure,

your love I want forever..

C.R.I.T.I.C.A.L

Dawn.. the soothing rays of light hit my face.. When that happened, I realised.. what you did, and what I was doing. I hate it. I hate both of them. I hated everything..

I just wanted all of this to end. I wished that all that have happened was just a dream.. a fairy tale. A horrible one. My definition for this tragic was the critical point in puberty. I guess.. I mean, its been only two days since the last time we fought, and now..? Here it comes again.

I.. I don't know what to say. I love you.. I liked you. I never betrayed you.. not on purpose even if I did. So why is it that you deny my loyalty? Do you despise me? Do you want me to perish? Is that.. it?

I've met a new friend today. She's 10 this year. 4 years younger than I am. When I was with her, I felt so relieved.. so happy, so regretful ,too, at the same time. I see now.. how children feel. They say things that they think without a second thought. Which enables them to just let it all out. And also enables them to be stress-free.

But people like me.. like US. We can't bare the thought of letting it all out in case the consequence of hurting someone else' feelings might happen.. We can't. And in the end, it all piles up. Work.. arguments, self struggle, hatred, LOVE.. And then, we won't know what to do anymore. We'll feel lost in ourselves. Always looking back.. regretting.

I want us to be together.. I really do. But if we do, you'll always hate me. I don't what that to happen. No matter how much I inject these phrases to you, you'd never understand. You're so freaking stupid!! And so am I.. we're all stupid. I'm stupid for not being able to tell you straight-forwardly.. You're stupid for not understanding after all the repeats.. And all of us are stupid for not being able to let it all out.

Since this is messing us up so much, and since you hate me so much now, let's just break this ok? I'm asking politely now... Let's break up. I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, I don't want to despise you any more than I do. Because.. I love you. And this has cause me and you to hurt so badly.. Quit being CRITICAL.. that's my message for you .. today and forever.

Love is when you hate,

Hate is when you love..

Its an equal,

If you don't believe that,

then start believing.

Moderate Your "Moderation"

I suppose there are times when you wonder why God ever allowed bad things to even happen to us? Cause we're His creations.. He loves us.. Yet.. Why?


It was never His fault to begin with! If we have to blame someone, its ourselves. We're always known as selfish beings, and although I hate to admit it, we ARE. We do things for our own benefit.. and no else.

But sometimes we think about the things we do.. we regret. And most of the time, it stops there. We regret.. and then?

Yeah, so here's the part. When we regret something we've done we know is wrong, isn't typical to try to fix it right again? If you don't think that, then maybe you're mental, or just plain crazy.

I hate to admit it but I'm REALLY selfish.. especially when it comes to strangers. But my family and.. my friends... I love them. I'm always ready to give around them, ready to protect .. and ready to defend. Yet they still think I'm pin-pointing their weak spot, thus, hurting them.. why?
Seriously, I don't understand.. Maybe if you know that your moderation .. the way you think about me is THAT distorted, then maybe you should try moderating it further to an average person's moderation. Cause I really can't stand this anymore. If you aren't gonna moderate, then I will.

I'll change. Change for a difference.. Change for the better. I'll love others who appreciate it. I'll defend others who love me for me. I'll embrace the one that defends me. And I'll stay with that other person who embraces me.

You're not the only human being in this world.. There are so many others.. You think you can just USE me?! Well, if you do, think again. Cause you're DEAD wrong!!

Once, a burning flame,
Twice, a horrid murder.
Thrice, the non-existence of sunlight
from your very live.

Why Are You Doing This To Me...?

I had always been backing you up... Even when you were angry for some misunderstanding, even when you'd panic, even when you're crying.. and even when you're lonely. Why do you take advantage of my kindness? I realised how stupid i am today.

I have always been trusting you... Loving you, comforting you and embracing you. Am I that detestable? Am I that much of a bad person that no matter what I do, i'll never be able to prove my love for you? Why can't you see... that everything i do, I'd never EVER hurt you.

Yet somewhere deep down my heart, I've always known that you hated me, you didn't WANT to actually be close buddies with me.. You just didn't want to seem all alone. But I denied that.. because i loved you. And now you're leaving me AGAIN, you always seem to misunderstand.. either that or you never tried to understand how I feel in the 1st place. OR you HATE me.

So, guys, let me tell all of you this, I would NEVER hurt my friends' feelings. I would always put you guys first.. before me. I would always try my best to avoid hurting y'all in anyway at all. But some of you just don't seem to understand.. don't seem to notice.. don't seem to realise how much I love ALL of you.

I've got like.. 2nd place in class for Feb Monthly test and i felt so happy, I felt like it was all just a fairy tale... but then, when i finally felt like rejoicing, you guys gave me sour faces.. ( some of you, you would know who you are if you read this) faces expressing jealousy.. HATRED. What part of me was showing-off? What part of me was looking down on you..? I don't understand...

You're gettin' me so confused.. I feel like you'll never be able to understand. You'll just continue to use me for your own advantages.. if that's what you want to do, then i hope you'll understand this: I don't want to hurt you, but all your decisions and stuff made me come to a conclusion " I don't need friends like you, if you won't leave me, I'LL leave you".

Sorry, I had no time for Forbidden History today.. So, see ya.

When I say "I love you",

I meant it.

When i say "I'll leave you",

I will NEVER come back.

LOCK on!

UGH... Its me again. I do update almost everyday so~.. no worries? Or maybe I'm just talking to myself... =.="

Anyway, I had fencing today...! (which made me extra exhausted) And we learned this jumping technique ... xP kinda weird~ Darryl called it crab dance. But I call it CRAP dance lol. I guess that's why he ended up all sweaty after just one 10-pointer.. >.>"

Okay, peeps! I feel reeaallyy exhausted today, I really do so imma just gonna do this short summary of today's update on Forbidden History ^^

- Grace who has a bad tolerance for alcohol gets drunk.

- Uh.. She dances with Reduxion for a little while and goes back to her room.

- Grace sleeps on her bed after spouting some nonsense.

- Natalia comes in right after that and asks Reduxion questions about some things..

You search for the things you did wrong,

You keep searching,

but you don't find it.

People say you lie,

and you shouldn't have found out why,

cuz you when you finally did,

YOU were the lie.

EXPOSED~

OKAY~ Here's my post for today! Ready for take-off!

Kay.. I feel happy today, But I feel exhausted at the same time. == And I definitely don't wanna feel exhausted because there's so many DAMN things I have to do! This is SO crazy i tell you! CRAZY!!

And oo~... I've got straight A's for Feb Monthly Test! Wheee~ i didn't know i could do that in my whole life ever again~ xP.

So yeah~ To my Forbidden History Fans, here's the update:-

- Reduxion finds Grace's jewel that she keeps in her rarely used make-up box.

- Reduxion destroys it and Grace gets really mad.

- Grace flies to the town to cool down.

- Xarlon forces Grace to return to the resort for the Valentine's Special at Lobby 2.

- Reduxion attracts a lot of FEMALE attention and Grace attracts a lot of MEN attention. haha~

- Reduxion gets a teensy-weensy jealous when Grace dances with other men.. Lolx

When you long for something,

it feels like its so far away.

But when you open your eyes wide,

You realize its so close..

Loving Miracles

Hi >3> Its me again, Yennie~ Hey, i just found out I love an animated character~ Muahahaha!

Its Reduxion!! WAH!!! Its lame I know~ wheee~ but he's so H.O.T!!! You should just freakin' see Neko-chan's drawing~!! AH!!! So HOT!!

Fine, here's and update on Forbidden History today. Joshua and his Guardians, Reduxion, Natalia and Grace goes on a 1 week vacation before big tragedies happen in the future. Sarah A.K.A Joshua's Lover, has caused an uproar in Castle Virdana and, thus, ran into the woods searching for Joshua.

At the other hand, after receiving damage from Sarah's raging attack, Krystal is somehow reminded of Rachel. Krystal desperately tries to explain to the others about Rachel.. and especially on how she used to impact their life so much.

At the same moment, Grace and Reduxion finds a similiar connection between each other... A mutual understanding?