Thanks a Lot

No, I'm not being sarcastic.

I'm meaning this.. thank you very much

from the bottom of my heart.

I truly am grateful that you gave me this experience of a lifetime

I will never forget.

I will never forget how you shown me love and kindness like no other

I will never forget how much you cared even when you had your fair share of problems.

I'm not afraid of you.

I don't hate you.. guys.

The people I want to be.

The happy cheery and loud people.

I'm just jealous.

It brought me to who-knows-where-I-am now.

I like you.

I do.

I just can't find it in my heart to open my heart again.

I'm gonna try..

whatever it takes.

I don't mind being shamed anymore.

I don't want to be Miss Unfair and Alone anymore

I want to stop this nonsense.

I have to change.

I've been told too many times already.

And all the times I've been told and ignored.

I will double that time of trying and actually doing something

To 2 Arif peeps:

I'm sorry I'm such a bitch.

for writing your names down..

for handing them to Mr.Robert.

I'm sorry that you don't like the way I'm doing that..

Actually I was at a period of time where

i was really emotionally broken down

I was so pissed

I felt like crying and screaming and letting out my piss all at the same time.

I was taking out my anger at you guys

I hope you understand..

I know I was wrong

I'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

I promise I will make it up to you guys.

I promise I won't simply write down your names anymore.

but you do have to understand, its my job.

I won't do much more than that.

I want to know that even though i've become a bitch and that some of u dislike me already,

i'm gonna change.

I'm gonna pay for what i did two times over.

i'm gonna help you guys.

just ask me for anything.. I'll be glad to help.

Megan.. or Sonia.. or whoever that's reading this, please spread it

I want you guys (2Arif peeps) to know that i love you.. not in a gay way,

just.. me-loving-my classmates way.

And i'm really sorry for being such a bitch.

I'm gonna be contented with what i have.

I'm gonna change.

And this time, if i fall and break and shatter and suffocate,

i know I have my friends and everyone else to back me up.

2Arif I'm really sorry.. i hope u can forgive me for insulting you guys..

Sorry..

I'm actually sick in a sense that I'm coughing..

and that I'm lost and confused..

and that my I feel so weak.. like I've lost all my energy.

And I hate to admit it but..

I feel lonely.

Even though you guys are around,

even though I laugh or smile or try to be happy,

I'm lonely.

I don't know why...

And I think.. I feel...

that other people don't want me around.

(not you guys, just.. some bitches and .. some other guys..)

I feel like no matter how hard I try to be a friend,

it never works.

Instead of giving them the idea that I want to be their friend,

I end up giving them the idea that I'm annoying.

And, yes, I don't know why.

So am I supposed to suck like this for the rest of my life?

Its gone so long already...

REALLY REALLY long..

And I don't know why you call yourselves Christians..

and you're not helping me at all.

You guys are so not showing kindness at all.

You're thinking I'm just an annoying girl that does not deserve my attention

unless I need her to like.. borrow book right?

Or change the speed of the fan?(ex.)

I know it!!

Don't you dare deny it!

That's what your eyes tell me..

heck, its what you DO!

If you're Christians.. you're not supposed to hurt people this way!

You're not supposed to back stab people.

You're not supposed to cast people you do not favor to a corner

You're not supposed to BE THIS WAY!!

I don't even know what Christians are anymore you know that?!

You guys are corrupted evil minded freaks!

And someday, you're gonna pay the price for disgracing His name..

God is a fair God.

... And i'm sorry for yelling and screaming and venting..

I'm sorry for emo-ing..

I'm sorry for jerking you guys off..

I'm sorry for crying..

I'm sorry for being annoying.

I'm sorry for being a nobody to you.

I'm sorry for being so sensitive

I'm sorry for being so emotional.

I'm sorry for being a jerk.

I'm sorry for my jealousy towards you

I'm sorry for my anger

I'm sorry for what I've done in the past.

I'm sorry for being a nerd.

I'm sorry for being so overprotective.

I'm sorry that I hurt myself.

I'm sorry for putting the blame on you.

I'm sorry for putting on a disguise.. a show.

I'm sorry for making you feel sad.

I'm sorry for being wrong.

I'm sorry for stirring up unneeded problems.

I'm sorry for making such mistakes.

I'm sorry that I can't tell you face-to-face

I'm sorry that my life is so horrible.

I'm so sorry for putting an extra burden on you

I'm so sorry for cursing you at night before I sleep

I'm sorry for not listening to your advice,

I'm sorry because I felt like I'd wanted to murder you

I'm sorry for being so selfish

I'm sorry for being ugly.

I'm sorry for being so long-winded

I'm sorry for over reacting

I'm sorry that I brought you down.

I'm sorry that I made myself become like this.

I'm sorry that I've never succeeded in anything I try,

I'm sorry that I looked down on you..

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..

The World Is Unfair.. Too Unfair..

Okay.

Just for this moment.

I'm not gonna listen to what anybody tells me.

And talk/type my heart out.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder (really i can't help it)

I'm a girl that doesn't randomize, doesn't joke smoothly and doesn't stand out.

Then i look at all the other people who can and are always ... happy and satisfied.

That, in case any of you didn't know, was my dream ever since I was seven.

I wanted to be happy and satisfied.

To laugh like there isn't a care in the world.

To smile a true smile.. not faked.

But.. none of that happened for SEVEN whole years

no matter how hard i tried..

no matter how much time i was given..

my confidence and strength got crushed and trampled on over and over again

until I feel weak.. and I feel.. lost...

people tell me i can still try

people tell me i have what it takes for that dream to be realized.

but, they have no idea how many times i've tried

and failed.. so many times over.

And now I'm like.. nothing..

scarred..

and they tell me that that can heal.

I mean I know it can but..

before that can happen, I must have confidence first right?

But i don't have it anymore

I'm.. okay, admit, negative.. and broken.

I used to be the total opposite.

Bright, proud, happy, satisfied, cheerful.. positive.. CONFIDENT.

now look at me, what I've become.

I'm nothing but a girl who is not alone

but who doesn't know how to heal herself even with help.

Who's dumbified..

I've spent too long with this one dream..

Too long holding on to this eternally unreachable dream.

I can't be that person i dream about.

Even if a wishing star were to appear.

THERE IS JUST NO WAY.

I realised that.

i'm just this weak person.

i was just acting strong in the past.

That was probably why i was so stupid and.. crude last time.

I'm gonna be this person-- the current me-- for my entire life.

And I'm gonna have to stick with this..

whether i like it or not.

Whether I hurt or not..

That is why, qian and christine..

I cried today.

i couldn't speak and put it in words that'll come out from my mouth

but at least by this, you'll understand.

You guys deserve to know

As my buddies =)

I hurt.. because when I think about this,

and I hear the noise in the class, (the noise meaning people happily chatting)

I realize how my dream is never ever to be realized.

And just so ya'll know,

noise in class isn't just gonna break the teacher's heart,

it has other hidden consequences too...

like breaking MY heart.

Always knowing

somewhere deep inside,

that it was never going to happen.

Nothing's Impossible

Sometimes you want to free yourself from your own problems,

You're so caught up in your own web,

you can't see the other webs around you..

the one your friends are in.

yes. I'm talking to you. Whoever u r thats reading this.

This is not directed to only one person.

Its to everybody,

including MYSELF.

I know we're just humans and we're not perfect.

We can't try to solve our own probs and help other people at the same time

But ..

You know

Nothing's impossible.

I believe in that.

All you need is not faith, trust and pixie dust.

All you need is faith in God.

And also your hard work. Without wither, nothing will work out the way you want it to.

And sometimes you get so mad at yourself because

you get mad at your friends

sometimes for things they do that u know you can forgive

and sometimes for things they didn't do at all...

isn't that just frustrating?

And you know you want to forgive them,

but you just can't.

Why is that?

.. Do what you need to do.

Do you what you must do.

Even if it seems impossible.

Even if you might lose everything.

have the courage to gain everything back if you ever fall.

Trust in yourself and your belief.

And you'll succeed

and embrace that dream..

you've always dreamed of.

Sometimes I feel Like You Really Just Don't Care At All...

I know you care about me..

I know u wanna cheer me up when I'm down..

I know you really do like me as a close friend.

But when I look at you sometimes,

I get this awkward irritable feeling that..

You really just don't care.

You just need a shoulder to lean on.

You won't talk, won't care..

But I KNOW you do, see?

Its like taboo.

I hate that I feel this way.

I mean, why can't I just lay low and lead a quiet and peaceful teenage life?

This is so effin' troublesome...!

its like one thing comes after the other

and I have like, no rest.. at all!!!

Damn it!

I love you, I really do...

But I tried and tried and tried and tried and TRIED to leave you alone!

I tried SO many times thinking that I could just forget about you

and have a fun life by myself without you having to butt into anything!!

I feel like a mess!

A big pile of mess!!

like shit, fertilizer, faeces whatever you call it!

I'm so stupid..

I knew I couldn't do that, yet I stupidly and stubbornly tried

....

Once I knew you,

Twice, I knew YOU

Trice, I knew the REAL you.

It Comes, Just Like That

I hate it when this happens!

When everything just don't come together!!

When I'm tired mad, confused, sick(as in, seriously sick) and mad!!

And I have to-- have to--.. homework!! ARGH!!

And I can't even talk to my big bro!

And why am I mad you ask?

Because everybody is such a drag queen!

And so am I!

Let's face it!

I'm a jerk!

A two-faced loser!

I refuse to see the good side of things!

And I accept the bad!

WHY??!

Even I don't understand!

I can't figure it out!

I get mad at stupid things! ( i know, sue me for all i care)

And I get mad at my friends because THEY are mad sometimes (how stupid is that?!)

I'm just so sick and tired of me!

i'm throwing me away!

I just so wish I can do it straight away!

But life is not that easy isn't it??!

It takes such an effin' long time.

And now other people are like..--

OH!

Point is!

I just-- i'm mad okay?!

I'm gonna be fine tomorrow

I'm.. gonna... be fine...

Don't Be Yourself; Its a Lie

You know people always say

"Just be Yourself, you'll Be Fine"?

Well, I found out recently that that's just wrong.

You can't be yourself.

You know why?

Because 'yourself' is not you.

I know that sounds really complicated and everything.

But its not. really.

You yourself is not a person filled with anything good.

You yourself is a bad and naturally guilty individual.

So when you are to be yourself,

you're not gonna make yourself feel any better.

You're only gonna make yourself feel worse.

That is why they say your greatest enemy is yourself.

So do you know who you can be if not yourself?

And if not God?

Then search for the qualities that you find it good and best for yourself.

Find it! Never lose hope!

Faithful? Loyal? Kind?

Generous? Beautiful? Smart? Creative?

Cheerful? Sporting? Mature?

Whatever!

Put your choices all together.

Then make it your goal..

Your target!

Work towards it!

You CAN be a better person

You don't have to be you.

I admit it.

I'm a sucker at this too.

but i'm trying to be not me..

and I want to share this with the rest of you because I love you

And I care for you. =)

Stopping For A Little While at My Dreamland

Yeah, maybe I do have lots of inner complications and everything.
But you know, its really nice to take a day off from it sometimes.

I'm at my greatest reality dreamland.. my 'hometown'
Malacca.

Its like everything just neutralizes here.
I don't feel so burdened by everything anymore.
My worries just disappear.. homework, love, life, everything!
Instead, it is replaced with happiness, fulfillment and laughter.

I love this place.
It just takes me away.

I can just lie down on that cushion bored
and I can still forget and enjoy myself.

You know what I'm saying.. right?
This is paradise.
The one and only.

Hate+Love = ?

Have you ever wondered what is the result..
..when you love and hate someone at the same time?

If you know, please tell me..
This is very troubling..
Its messing with my head.
I'm happy and all of a sudden when I see your bitchy face,
I get depressed and mad.

I don't want this to prolong.
I want this to end quickly if possible.

And, also, if possible, I want to forget all about you.
I hate you...
But I also love you.

And this is really stupid.
As long as this stays this way..
and we don't talk or look at each other,
then I really thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you thank you!!!

You're really helping me.
Stay away.. I'm sure if we do, this feeling will go away as well.

Accept it Or Run Away

I know that this is going to end anytime soon.

I know our time will end.

I know.. this won't last.

But when you come close,

I shy away.

I wondered why... but I knew deep inside; the reason why.

I was afraid of letting you know the truth of the truth.

I was afraid that if you knew, you wouldn't accept that part of me.

I don't want to lose you..

I'm so sorry about this.

I'm so sorry that you had to feel this because of me.

Its all my fault.

Blame it all on me.. I don't mind. I really don't.

As long as you're happy..

That's good enough for me.

I Love You.. But Does That Even Mean Anything To You?

I was all alone at first.

My friends drifted from me and I had no one but myself.

I entered a foreign place.

I knew nothing. No one.

But then, I came to know so many things and so many people.

I knew good things.. good people.. bad things.. bad people..

I hated some but I loved the rest.

You have no idea how much I love you... Every single part of you.

Your tears I cherish. Your wishes I try to fulfill.

Your outburst is my sanctuary. Your anger is my worry.

Your smile is my Sun.

Your laughter is my happiness..

Your worry for me is like a dream come true.

Your EVERYTHING is everything to me.

I love you.. and I don't know how to convey this.

I know you'll never understand through words only.

The extend of this love.

You might find it disgusting, but I know you never will.

Because you're not like that.

You can be a murderer for all I care.

It doesn't give me a damn.

I'll still love you.

But...

It really hurts when I see you this way..

SO shattered. SO hurt. SO disturbed and depressed.. maybe even frustrated.

So much that I can't help.. I am not allowed to.

That I can't do anything to help.

I feel so powerless, so weak!

Every single damned thing from my past is haunting me once again..

And, no~~ its NOT your fault.

I just miss the happiness I used to feel..

I've forgotten what it feels like to truly be happy.

I want to feel that again.

I want to love you

But I'm hurting myself

I want to forget you, but I can't!

I can't just shut love out like that.. Its impossible

I'm so freaking darn stupid!

I don't know who to ask help from.

I don't know who to talk to

I don't know how you feel..

And I'm starting to lose my feelings too..

I love you. Maybe too much.

.. And now. I'm lost. Lost in myself.

A Long Forgotten(?) Story.. My Story..

It was a bright and sunny morning that day. I'd thought it would mean it was going to be a good day.. The clouds were white and puffy and the sky was so blue. It was so perfect.. TOO perfect.

I sat at my table in class oblivious to my surroundings. I could hear no voice, no screams, no gossiping no stomping.. Just nothing but me and my steady breath.

My eyes caught on a group of people--with both boys and girls-- chatting like its the end of the world. My best friend.. no, my ex-best friend Joey stood leaning on the wall next to a dusty window twirling the end of her hair in a circular motion, curling it around her what seemed like fragile index finger

She laughed so hard.. I couldn't help but feel the pain again. The pain I always feel when I see Joey happy with other people.. also the pain of when she makes me cry.. bullies me.. rejects me.. and of course, ignore me.

Ever since I was 7, I wanted to be different. To change for the better. But that didn't happen.. and I'm 12 now.. and yet, nothing's changed. I wanted to be someone special for once. To have many friends and to laugh like there isn't a care in the world. I was jealous.. depressed..

Mariko, my Japanese friend walked up to me, also staring at the group of people there.

"Hi there"

I nodded my head. My throat felt so heavy.. I couldn't utter even a word.

"Kavesha, Nattasha, Kher Yuee and Thamarai are waiting.. don't you want to go to the canteen?"

I shook my head .. "I-Its okay.. Go first"

She patted me on my back" Okay. Well.. I'll see ya around" .. and she walked out and down to the canteen.

Joey glanced at me. A mischievious look on her eyes. She grinned.

Esther, her friend, said hi to her and Joey whispered something into her ear.

Esther shrugged it off and walked away. joey took a cup of water (paint residue inside) and poured it on me.

I gasped. Staring at the colors blending into my shirt.

She laughed out loud. Catching all the attention from the rest of the people in the class.

"You should have not been dreaming!" she chuckled " and what were you doing staring at me? Haven't you seen such a pretty person before?" she exclaimed.

The other people laughed.. one by one. Causing a chain reaction. The people walking outside the classroom started laughing too-- a teacher was laughing as well.

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I couldn't help it. All the embarassment.. it was getting to me. All my friends are down at the canteen. There was no one there to save me..

I stood and walked to the girls toilet. Trying my best to scrub(with my hands) the colors off of my shirt. It couldn't work. Didn't work.. It never worked. (This has happened before)

I spent the rest of the day in a dream. An illusion I made from my mind just to keep my mind away from reality.. the cruelty of reality.

I thought of how Joey became my best friend in the first place. Then I remembered..

She was my first friend in that school. That's how.

She'd always listen to me no matter what kind of story I was telling. Whether it was preposterous or real. Or stupid or fun. I enjoyed telling her anything. I told her... EVERTHING.

As soon as she became a prefect, she started to drift apart. She didn't talk to me as much. She didn't listen to me anymore. She started ignoring me altogether. She changed... drastically.

Until this day.. I have no idea what I did to deserve all that for the six years I've been in primary school. To lose a best friend.. to be bullied, laughed at, .... heartbroken

Sri Sempurna is like a comforting pillow. I can have more peace in this place. No one bullies me.. no one laughs at me as much.. no one embarasses me.

But you know what.. thats only the positive side of things.

If you look at it my way, people still thinks of me as scum.. (some people do) people still think I don't belong where I am. They still don't like me.(I think)..(i'm pretty sure of it actually)

And I have a feeling the same thing is going to repeat.. again.. that same nightmare.. that same hell..

So that is why I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of everything.. Of doing a single courageous thing and losing everything after that. That is why I'm a coward. Now I know why.. it all makes sense.

The conclusion is ; (you know who you are) I hate popular people.. (you know who you are) I'm scared of losing you.. and last but not least; I hate prefects. A LOT.

Once I believed,

Once I had faith,

Once I was crushed,

Everything turned to dust.

Eye Atmosphere and Expression.. Unwanted Individual

Your eye..

That's right.

Your eye is a window.

Reflecting whatever that is hidden behind that fragile beautiful thing.

You might pretend to be sad when you're happy

or happy when you're sad.

But you give everything away

once that someone you're pretending to

looks right into your eye.

Or maybe its just me.

Because I can feel the truth beyond the lies.

Through your eyes.

Its not difficult.

I'm not lying.

I really can.

If I can't, then boy, are you good...

Okay, whole different topic from here on out

Is it just my nature to not mix in with people?

Is it just normal that people don't like me too much because of... me?

Am I fated to be cast out to the un-popular side forever?

Because, the way I look at it..

Its always been this way

My heart aches..

When I think about the people who stand out

They look at me as though I don't belong

They talk about me as if I don't need to be there

They don't listen appropriately to a thing I say

They don't care about my opinion

They call me 'nerd', 'freak', 'sucker'...

So I have a friend that mixes in with that group.

Its not that I don't want her to be there..

Its just that I'm afraid of losing her

Afraid of losing her to those.. people

And even when I try to convince myself that its okay most of the time,

it works..!

But then, when it doesn't.. thats when my heart breaks.

And all my self-confidence and self-esteem just runs down the drain..

..yeah, just like that.

Then when I look myself in the mirror,

its like I'm the ugliest person in the whole world.

I try to be happy with the friends I have right now,

but my hard work gets crushed every time I hear someone say something..

For example just about one week ago:

" Yer... that girl ah? What's her name ah? Why her?? Can't it be somebody else.."

or, just yesterday:

"You still staying in Arif?? Oh my gosh, shit!"

How would you feel if you've always been said about like that ever since you're 7?

Or maybe even 5?

I've been living like that for 7-9 years now..

am I that ugly?

am I that unapproachable?

am I that..unwanted?

FYI, that's why I'm so clingy to my friends.

They are the only one who'll accept me for who I am..

But some of my friends feel the same way those people do..

and I feel crushed now.

I don't think.. I can go on with this anymore..

Especially not with Serene not around...

I'm dead meat..

I should've just flunked my examinations

Be a bad student..

And get out of Arif..

Congrats 'popular' people,

you finally managed to destroy me.

I'm crushed and heartbroken.

Congratulations.

I love you for who are,

but do you love me for who I am?

Your smile and laugh is the best thing

I could ever have.

But I'm not sure.. if we can stay the way we are now.

Losing Hope...

I will admit that even I give up hope easily..

But that doesn't mean we can't stand up for ourselves.

I'm not trying to boast about something I can't do.

I'm trying to help others to do the one thing I had never been able to do..

The one thing I failed at... Believing and never giving up.

Isn't it better to believe and be happy later when you succeed

than to lose yourself and break down in the end?

Why do people always choose to break down in the end..?

I have no idea why either, although.. I do happen to do that often

I still dunno why.. =.=

Well, I'm TRYING to find out!

Is it cuz they don't have enough confidence?

They don't have the strength to get back up again after falling every time?

Or they just want to stay there.. in the darkness.. alone and bored?

That's not the way to live..

Its not..

Sigh..

I guess I'm just a fool in the end.

I can't help people I want to help.

I can't stay strong.

I can't be brave.. I'm always a coward.

I'm not sporty..

I'm not confident..

I'm weak. A stupid fool. .. And to some of you even, annoying maybe..

I just.. I just lose out on everything single effin thing okay??!!!

I can't seem to get ANYTHING right..

.. I guess I'm pretty dumb huh..

Trying to help,

trying to save,

but in the end,

everything loses its way.

New Semester.. New Disaster..

Its a new semester.. a horror... O.O"

Well not really I guess.. its just the sleeping and waking up early thing.

I don't like having a fixed time to do things.. I want to be flexible. =P

So yeah. Now's the new semester and people the same age as me in my school are changing classes based on their grades and positions throughout the whole form.

I'm staying in Arif..

And most of my friends are, except.. T^T

SERENE!!! NOOOO!! I'm so gonna miss you...

Seriously.. its not fair you know.. .....

And I have an odd feeling that this semester's gonna be much worse than the last one.

ARGHH!!! SEE?!

I'm already mad!! And i'm gonna lose a friend in class..

Shit.. I hope things will turn out for the better...