It was a bright and sunny morning that day. I'd thought it would mean it was going to be a good day.. The clouds were white and puffy and the sky was so blue. It was so perfect.. TOO perfect.
I sat at my table in class oblivious to my surroundings. I could hear no voice, no screams, no gossiping no stomping.. Just nothing but me and my steady breath.
My eyes caught on a group of people--with both boys and girls-- chatting like its the end of the world. My best friend.. no, my ex-best friend Joey stood leaning on the wall next to a dusty window twirling the end of her hair in a circular motion, curling it around her what seemed like fragile index finger
She laughed so hard.. I couldn't help but feel the pain again. The pain I always feel when I see Joey happy with other people.. also the pain of when she makes me cry.. bullies me.. rejects me.. and of course, ignore me.
Ever since I was 7, I wanted to be different. To change for the better. But that didn't happen.. and I'm 12 now.. and yet, nothing's changed. I wanted to be someone special for once. To have many friends and to laugh like there isn't a care in the world. I was jealous.. depressed..
Mariko, my Japanese friend walked up to me, also staring at the group of people there.
"Hi there"
I nodded my head. My throat felt so heavy.. I couldn't utter even a word.
"Kavesha, Nattasha, Kher Yuee and Thamarai are waiting.. don't you want to go to the canteen?"
I shook my head .. "I-Its okay.. Go first"
She patted me on my back" Okay. Well.. I'll see ya around" .. and she walked out and down to the canteen.
Joey glanced at me. A mischievious look on her eyes. She grinned.
Esther, her friend, said hi to her and Joey whispered something into her ear.
Esther shrugged it off and walked away. joey took a cup of water (paint residue inside) and poured it on me.
I gasped. Staring at the colors blending into my shirt.
She laughed out loud. Catching all the attention from the rest of the people in the class.
"You should have not been dreaming!" she chuckled " and what were you doing staring at me? Haven't you seen such a pretty person before?" she exclaimed.
The other people laughed.. one by one. Causing a chain reaction. The people walking outside the classroom started laughing too-- a teacher was laughing as well.
Tears started to well up in my eyes. I couldn't help it. All the embarassment.. it was getting to me. All my friends are down at the canteen. There was no one there to save me..
I stood and walked to the girls toilet. Trying my best to scrub(with my hands) the colors off of my shirt. It couldn't work. Didn't work.. It never worked. (This has happened before)
I spent the rest of the day in a dream. An illusion I made from my mind just to keep my mind away from reality.. the cruelty of reality.
I thought of how Joey became my best friend in the first place. Then I remembered..
She was my first friend in that school. That's how.
She'd always listen to me no matter what kind of story I was telling. Whether it was preposterous or real. Or stupid or fun. I enjoyed telling her anything. I told her... EVERTHING.
As soon as she became a prefect, she started to drift apart. She didn't talk to me as much. She didn't listen to me anymore. She started ignoring me altogether. She changed... drastically.
Until this day.. I have no idea what I did to deserve all that for the six years I've been in primary school. To lose a best friend.. to be bullied, laughed at, .... heartbroken
Sri Sempurna is like a comforting pillow. I can have more peace in this place. No one bullies me.. no one laughs at me as much.. no one embarasses me.
But you know what.. thats only the positive side of things.
If you look at it my way, people still thinks of me as scum.. (some people do) people still think I don't belong where I am. They still don't like me.(I think)..(i'm pretty sure of it actually)
And I have a feeling the same thing is going to repeat.. again.. that same nightmare.. that same hell..
So that is why I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of everything.. Of doing a single courageous thing and losing everything after that. That is why I'm a coward. Now I know why.. it all makes sense.
The conclusion is ; (you know who you are) I hate popular people.. (you know who you are) I'm scared of losing you.. and last but not least; I hate prefects. A LOT.
Once I believed,
Once I had faith,
Once I was crushed,
Everything turned to dust.
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