The World Is Unfair.. Too Unfair..

Okay.

Just for this moment.

I'm not gonna listen to what anybody tells me.

And talk/type my heart out.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder (really i can't help it)

I'm a girl that doesn't randomize, doesn't joke smoothly and doesn't stand out.

Then i look at all the other people who can and are always ... happy and satisfied.

That, in case any of you didn't know, was my dream ever since I was seven.

I wanted to be happy and satisfied.

To laugh like there isn't a care in the world.

To smile a true smile.. not faked.

But.. none of that happened for SEVEN whole years

no matter how hard i tried..

no matter how much time i was given..

my confidence and strength got crushed and trampled on over and over again

until I feel weak.. and I feel.. lost...

people tell me i can still try

people tell me i have what it takes for that dream to be realized.

but, they have no idea how many times i've tried

and failed.. so many times over.

And now I'm like.. nothing..

scarred..

and they tell me that that can heal.

I mean I know it can but..

before that can happen, I must have confidence first right?

But i don't have it anymore

I'm.. okay, admit, negative.. and broken.

I used to be the total opposite.

Bright, proud, happy, satisfied, cheerful.. positive.. CONFIDENT.

now look at me, what I've become.

I'm nothing but a girl who is not alone

but who doesn't know how to heal herself even with help.

Who's dumbified..

I've spent too long with this one dream..

Too long holding on to this eternally unreachable dream.

I can't be that person i dream about.

Even if a wishing star were to appear.

THERE IS JUST NO WAY.

I realised that.

i'm just this weak person.

i was just acting strong in the past.

That was probably why i was so stupid and.. crude last time.

I'm gonna be this person-- the current me-- for my entire life.

And I'm gonna have to stick with this..

whether i like it or not.

Whether I hurt or not..

That is why, qian and christine..

I cried today.

i couldn't speak and put it in words that'll come out from my mouth

but at least by this, you'll understand.

You guys deserve to know

As my buddies =)

I hurt.. because when I think about this,

and I hear the noise in the class, (the noise meaning people happily chatting)

I realize how my dream is never ever to be realized.

And just so ya'll know,

noise in class isn't just gonna break the teacher's heart,

it has other hidden consequences too...

like breaking MY heart.

Always knowing

somewhere deep inside,

that it was never going to happen.