Imbalanced Sufficiency

It just doesn't add up, I don't feel like it is the same at all.. no. I can't. No matter how hard I try, it just won't work out.

I try forgetting your presence and everything along with it, and its not working. It keeps coming back. Every time I laugh, every single time I feel happiness, it reminds me of you. And no one else.. can come to mind.

And maybe its because I emo a lot or whatever, and people start thinking I'm hot-tempered and easily pissed off and blah blah blah.. But I'm not!! =.= I'm not.. I don't get pissed off easily. Its just that when I'm caught in a situation and I have many choices to choose from, but each and every one of them will lead to hurting some one and thats when I get pissed cuz.. I don't want to hurt anyone at all.

Hurting me is okay.. but not my friends. Not my buddies. Not my family.

And its really not funny when you insult someone. (even if its true) It is unfair to the party and it might really really hurt them a lot even without you knowing. Try tolerating or maybe, at the least; control your emotions la. Don't shout, don't scream, don't insult, don't talk so much, don't play so much, don't.. break any one's heart. =)

A purely strong will will lead to happiness and victory alone.

Searching for a soul,

in an empty vessel.

Searching for gems,

in an abandoned & used mine,

A useless effort,

but a strong will,

will bear fruit at the

most uncertain time.

Faithful Heart

Wouldn't everything work out better if we were faithful to ourselves and others? Wouldn't everything be much more peaceful if everyone understood one another and avoided arguments??

Why does everything have to be so complicated.. I don't want to make things any more complicated than it already is. I want to he happy and you know.. blah blah blah.

VERY VERY TIRED today. Post tomorrow lol. Bye bye~

I Can't Keep Up-- Who am I? Who Do I Want To Be?

A blurred tragedy.. or maybe even blurred TRAGEDIES. All this while, who I am.. I finally know who I am, what I want and who I wanna be.

Let's start way back in the past shall we?.. Well, basically, (dun wanna sound old/ or too long-winded =P) I was a snob. I actually LIKED bossing people around. I felt no remorse, no regret.. I was HAPPY. But that was only in the beginning, as I lived on till the age of 12, I got used to it and I didn't feel happy anymore.

But I still didn't feel remorse or regret, in fact I felt as if its normal that they should help me with my daily school needs. I was indeed a terrible person. At that time, I believed I was superior among me and the other pupils.. except one group of people.

A group of what you can call; a great and fun group of friends. They are always laughing and having fun whereas my group was always filled with problems. I wanted to be like them, but I used a wrong technique of changing my group. I wanted to change me first. I did not realise that after I 'changed', I was still the same old 'leader' of the group. So I went through my whole primary school life like that..

( The yearning of wanting be somebody happy and 'popular'?)

And.. when I came to Sri Sempurna, I wanted to change me.. really change me. To be some one people can like and love for who I am. I think I actually changed you know? A lot.. ( Do you think?) And I think I got some friends who would acknowledge me. But.. Today, I realised one thing that hasn't change about me (besides my freckles xD) .. its who I want to be.

I still want to be that star. I still want to be someone who's 'cool' in a way. that can get along with just anyone and smile with just anybody at all. But I can't, i think I've been trying really hard all this while. But I have never ever got to that spotlight. I'm always.. shy, and the more introvert me. I can't laugh when there's nothing to laugh about, and I can't create funny jokes when I want to and I can't talk the way other people do. I just can't.. I've tried, so many times. And I've failed to do so, SO MANY TIMES.

Even so, I still wanna be in that spotlight, I'm still trying, but my resolve and my will is growing weaker and weaker every single time I try. I see all the darkness around me and that one tiny light.. but its so distant. I can't reach that far.. I can't run that fast, I can't smile so easily, I can't laugh when there's no reason to, I can't ever have that valuable friendship ,.. I can't keep up.

The Darkness of Light

Okay, so maybe I was wrong.. maybe this thing couldn't have last. But.. I really wanted it to. And now, I'm just not sure.. Are you... am I.. are we.. always gonna be like this? On and off each and every time causing us to lose ourselves?

Blindness.. If there is only light in your world, how would light exist? Cause you can't see it, its all the same.. bright, it blinds you..

Yet, if there's only darkness, how can it exist too? You can't see anything at all.. you won't even know you're in the dark, it blinds you..

So that is like prove that in our life, every thing comes with a circumstance of the other. Like when our life just seems to be Happily Ever After, things starts to go wrong! And when things get so wrong, something will start to turn out right? Right? It happened to you right?

The thing is.. I never got this 'turning out right' thing even when I'm terribly sad and mad or disappointed or anything like that. Its terrible, really! Ugh.. I know its gonna happen, but,.. its not happening now.. and I'm so in the dumps .. = ="

By the way, I'm thinking of writing a novel! =) A short romance/ friendships story between (a guy) and (a girl) and their friends, I hope its good, if its not, .. weelll.. imma dump it in the trash bin xD

And here's an interesting website =P...

A thousand words,

A million emotions,

Billions of love,

But one you,

in one heart.

MINE~

Obsession or Love?

Sometimes you find yourself really overreacting when you're with someone.. ( well, in a good way, but you annoy them) And you can't help but be that way. Even if they don't like it, you really can't help it. Its kinda like.. it comes naturally.

Is wanting someone you really really like for yourself wrong? Its not wrong right? So why is it that we are always told that we're wrong? That its impossible for it to happen. IMPOSSIBLE? Is it..?? Cuz recently, it seems really impossible.. juz like you'd say it would happen.

I feel so lost of hope. Stupid.. I lost my faith in my friends now.. bummer.. I'm mad at ' person no.1" and "person no.2" Damn it all!! I'm so stupid, right? I know I am.... But I can't seem to change that.

I don't want to love you, but this feeling won't go away. I used to be so crazy over you. And, I think I still am.. just a little bit. But that bit's making me hurt SO much.. what should I do? People are telling me that I'm obsessed but i'm not.. There's a difference, I can feel it. But why does the possibility still exist?

Shaking and breaking,

tumbling and falling,

downgrading and decreasing,

the beauty in me.

Don't Wanna Lose This..

I've worked so hard.. gone through so much.. I don't want to lose this now. I don't wanna lose all that I've worked so hard for.. I don't wanna cry.. I don't wanna lose myself.. I don't wanna be not me.

I love you.. yet, it seems so hard. Am I not good enough.. shit. You damn freak. Shit head. Idiot.. Asshole.. you juz don't seem to understand. You're so oblivious. You are just so blind.. Why can't you open that blind eyes of yours just for a steady minute and look around you for instance?

Everything.. not only me.. but everything.. was caused by your foolishness. They're not what they once used to be. They're all corrupted, filthy, destroyed, they are all so deep in the dark that it seems impossible to get them out of it again. i don't want to be corrupted by that darkness.. not to the core.

I hate this.. It must've been I dunno.. 10 posts that I wrote the "I hate.." bla bla bla line. Yeah, I'm getting tired of that..>3> Not only do I hate this though, I don't really want to be a part of this anymore. Why should I stay if its only gonna hurt me more..? There is absolutely no reason at all to. So..

I might be leaving.. I'm thinking about it. What do you think?

Underhanded techniques

and wise decisions,

the double sides of poles

that always attracts one another.

The beginning of chaos..

the suffering of the between.

Driving Me Crazy!!

My SISTER!!! She's like.. totally driving me nuts, I tell you..!! She's so hot-tempered, she's a show-off and she's so ... CLUELESS!! The annoying type of clueless, you know..?? Damn!! @_@ I can't take it LAH!

I mean, just when I'm about to forgive her, there she goes crushing my faith. Its like, she's purposely trying to anger me or something.. =.=" Which is SO not nice!!! ARGGGHH!!! I'm so tired, mad, crazy, exhausted, hungry, thirsty, hot and.. I dunno, sad!!! Anything depressing thing you can find in the dictionary!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again and Again..

One thing about true love is that it can never fade away. It'll stay, no matter how much you ignore it or abandon it. And that's why it hurts so much.. and yet, when you're together, united.. happily, things will seem so much more brighter.

I loved and hated alternately... = = I know right? Its so stupid. But damn it, I don't care anymore. Cuz I'm not.. (well I'll try to) gonna avoid this any longer. I don't care if you don't need me, cuz I need you and if I have to walk through a thin line to reach you, I would. =)

Falling in love with you again and again.. a gift that none other can replace. Love is the best~!

Dear friends, know that I'll always be right here for you so.. check me out! xD Today's Sport rehearsal was like .. total crap. .. I hated it today. i hope the real day wouldn't suck as much as it did today.

Although today's rehearsal sucked, I went to Neko-chan's house~ hehehe so cuuttee~ and Reduxion,.. and Ventus!! KYAAAA~!! boy, do I love you.

Well, thanks for everything and I gotta go sleep now.. tee-hee. Sweet dreams every1!

With eternal darkness there is nothing,

with eternal light there is nothing.

In one there must exist another,

to understand where you're standing at,

and to know the arrow

of direction.

Confused by Me

Inexperienced.. I often get that remark from others. Am I really? Or is it because I whine too much? =3= well~ I don't exactly care about THAT.

Sometimes you come and sometimes you go,

sometimes you gloom and sometimes you glow..

Sometimes you're far away but you're so close,

sometimes you're so close but you're so far away.

Do you have a grudge against me or something?

Did I make you mad?

Or was it something I once said? o.O

Sigh.. things would be so much easier if you were more straightforward.. (same goes for me)

I'm confused now.. so much more than before. And its especially hard to describe/ express it in words so.. I guess I'm gonna have to live with this till the very end of my school life.. =.= Praise be to God. =) ...(I meant that)

Uncertain Desires..

Why is it so hard to choose? Is this how life's supposed to be? .. I suppose so.

I .. should I choose the right thing? or should I choose the easier path? I mean, I'm so tired.. gosh... Any advice? I felt so stumped when I heard that you were.. no .. when I was.. me. I'm ashamed of myself..

Sometimes, I want to do stuff I know I'm not supposed to do.(but I don't)

And sometimes I do stuff I don't want to.

Really.. why can't I do the things I want to do?

I'm always trapped in an invisible cage

I can't come out.

I can't do what I want to do.

I must always do things against my will..

I'm FORCED to.

What is this? Am I just some kind of human experiment that comes and goes?

To experiment how humans feel.. think.. move.. love.. and regret?

I don't want to lose everything.

But if I lose everything, things would be easier..

I want to smile.. and yet I don't.

I want to be cheerful.. and I don't.

I want to be me and I'm not.

Who am I? Who are you? Who and what am I dealing with?

Am I Too Sensitive..?

People say I get pissed too easily.. (Even though I'm really trying my best to tone it down)

And some say I'm too sensitive..

And I don't smile..?

Is that true? I do? But.. I DO smile.

I'm not sensitive.. you should see how some other people get.. -- oh nvm.

And I don't get pissed easily.. I don't.. do I?

I'm confused. This is totally making me lose track of ME.

Who am I? .. I need to know who I am before I can do anything else.

I feel so trapped, so suffocated.. so.. bad.. = =

Yeah, I know 'bad' is a simple word but..

I don't wanna be like this. I hate this side of me.

Not only does my friends tell me I'm sensitive,

Even my MUM does!! What the hell..??!!

But I can't believe it.. I don't want to believe it

I'm not like that.. I'M NOT!!!!!!

I'm not sensitive.. its just that I've been broken so many times,

I can't think straight anymore.

And my wounds from being broken have not healed yet..

it still hurts.

I'm still forcing a smile... (even though sometimes it comes naturally)

I'm still crying on the inside..

I'm still.. the other me.. So who is this 'other me'?

Its all your freaking fault!! you HAD to remind me..--

you HAD to, didn't you?! You guys are bitches... and so am I..

Please.. I just need a confirmation from you..

Just you, I don't want to hear it from anyone else.

Am I really a bitch?

Am I really.. too sensitive?

The soft quivering sound of weakness,

The mighty voice of your strength,

The meteor of destruction

and the wishing star that grants wishes

The bipolar personality..

of me..

Desperation and Guilt.. Wishes

Have I done something wrong? Did someone break my heart? Did I break my heart? Why am I so sad? Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like I've committed a sin? Why is it that I find it so hard to smile..?

All these questions have been long ignored. But within me, deep DEEP within me, I know it still exists. All these doubtful feelings.. all these unanswerable questions. Truthfully, I question my own feelings and actions.. a lot. I don't want to, but I do. Now, that's just really annoying, isn't it? = =

Even so, I know I'm not alone. There are many others who feel the same way I do. There are many people who have all these doubts as well.. but see, I don't see them complaining. I don't see them whining over this. And I.. am I?

I feel stupid. (No, really, I am) I feel like there's nothing left in this world except the future to hold on to. Nothing to proclaim. And worse yet, I STILL feel like I have nothing to lose.. (which is really BAD okay? ) I can't cry because there's nothing to cry for. I can't truly smile because there is nothing to smile for.

No matter what anybody says, I'm still in this really narrow road to my dream. I don't have enough courage, but I have the trust. I can think.. but I can't do what I think is right. That is most probably why I always fail at most of the stuff.

I'm clumsy, I'm always easily discouraged, tempted, I can't fight back, I don't have any confidence in my looks, studies, physical ability, or art or anything at all.. I'm not all that smart. I might seem that way, but I'm dumb.. Can't you tell?

So, fine, there is always a light in our darkness, but.. who? what? where? we don't know. We can't hold on to that wishful thing.. as long as we think its only a hallucination. I need to know. I want to know. And when I do, I promise.. I will be courageous and I will be strong. so please.. show me that light.. I can't go on like this for long.

It hurts. It stings. I'm bleeding.. on the outside and the inside. I need this.. I need help.. guidance. Love..

Unanswerable questions,

unworthy temptations,

confused emotions,

wasted efforts,

holding onto wishes..

A Light in Eternal Darkness

Heartache.. despair.. sin, hatred and loneliness. How is it that one gets developed so easily by all these dark emotions than compared with emotions like happiness, loyalty, and fun? Why does it seem so much more harder to cry than to laugh? Why is it so much harder to sleep than to be awake?

Okay, so maybe we don't notice, but we are actually all not that lonely at all. We MIGHT seem lonely, but no, we're not. Actually life was made with the balance of light and dark equal. Somehow, the darkness is always stronger.. is that real? Is that how its supposed to be?

NO!! NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!!! Listen, I don't have a lot of time on my hands right now, but really, I just want to tell all of you that life is not all about hatred and ignorance, its also about love and tolerance!! Live to love your life and NOT to despise yourself and everyone (or everything) around you!!

I know some of you might not even know me, but please heed this one advice for I might not remember or even care to write it again next time! I really care for you and.. I know I'm exaggerating but STILL! try... to balance every thing out.

Especially at times where you tend to think you are in the dark all alone, ... there must be at least one person there to help you. To guide you.. and to pull you back up, to smile again. =) A single tiny light in your darkness can make a BIG difference if you only trust.. and believe.

You can make a big difference,

if you only trust,

and believe.

Quick Actions... Slow Heartache

Yeah, I know, I'm so tired and pissed off. I don't really know what to write. x3 well, there's always Forbidden History~

oh whatever!

I know this is boring so imma just stop for now lol. Anyway, I know my title means what I say already, soo.. good luck tryin' ta find out!

Indescribable Love

It was really hard.. before I learned the truth about Christ.. about love.. about ME. I wasn't me. I was.. transformed into an obnoxious being. I didn't believe in anyone except myself. I'd always ordered every one of my friends around and piss them off unknowingly.

That was who I was all the way until I turned 13 last year. I knew a new love no one can express. None of us will ever be able to love someone SO much. Jesus, you have proven my beliefs wrong. You have shown me a new thing I have never discovered before...

He was wounded for our transgressions,

he was bruised for our iniquities:

the chastisement of our peace was upon him;

and with his stripes,

we are healed.

-Isaiah 53:5 KJV

The love of Almighty God..

An unconditional love~

You forgive us if we only asked of it,

You love us even when we disregard you,

You relieve us of our pain,

grief,

suffering,

sickness..

and more than ever,

our FEARS..

You have shone a light upon me. I will never ever lose myself again. I will not waver so easily anymore. I shall place all my worries, fears and trust in you Lord for this life of mine is made to glorify Your name.

I LOVE YOU, I will never give up on my dreams forever.. And I thank you so much for your suffering to purify our sins. -- Amen.

Depressing Memories...

When I flash back,

I realize that what I have, is only so little..

I have nothing to lose, and nothing to protect. I feel so empty and.. more than anything else, lonely. I mean, its not like I'm scared of being lonely or anything, but I don't want to be left out of something that EVERYBODY else already have long ago.

I don't want to be stripped off of everything. I only have me, my hard-to-tell dream and my wish left. I don't think I even have my pride anymore. In others' eyes, I might seem to be jolly, great, nice and you know.. still have my pride, but in reality, I'm not all that.. I have so little left. So little..

I feel so dumbfounded when I see other people get along so well. I can tell that they're truly happy with each other.. they never have arguments, they always talk with a smile and in the group, its always laughs I hear. never a single time would I hear total silence.

And when I look at myself and my friends, I feel so ashamed. We're so quiet.. so empty, so silent like we're having an examination or something.. =.= While eating, how lame is that? And then, it struck me,.. am I being to unapproachable? Am I too, I dunno.. quiet?

Gawd am I screwed.. I feel sick to the core man..

Being Alone..

Its really not easy. But I feel better when I'm alone. I feel more at peace than when I'm with anyone else. Thing is.. I still care of what others think about me. I know that's wrong, but.. I'm admitting it. And I know that's at least a good point in this whole thing.

I hate it when I can't even believe in myself... When I always depend on someone else just to survive, just not to cry. I feel so stupid and weak. I want to be strong, brave and independent. But that just never happens. Even when I especially want it to..

I.. I dunno. I don't wanna feel like this. But I can't stop it. I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm pissed, I'm mad, I'm irritated.. what else? , I'm shitty.. all because of ME. Myself...

I've felt this way before. I don't want to. This is a symptom of something tragic that's gonna happen. I just know it... But I don't want something bad to happen! I have enough.. I've had enough..

I've got no one true to me. No one to support me at the worst adversary. Yes, I might have friends.. many. But I know none of them would back me up when the time comes. And, yeah, I've been in a troublesome trouble before.. but they run away. leaving me behind.

Absolutely NONE of them would help. I don't know if I have any true friends at all. I feel so heartbroken.. Haiz.. I don't want to talk anymore.

Sight to see you,

Touch to feel you,

Smell to breathe your scent,

Taste to bring your colors to life,

and hearing to hear your sweet melodious voice.

Transparency

Loving you is like trying to get myself burned by fire.. It hurts so much, but its warm.. and lovely.

Maybe its just me, but today is the most calm day I ever had ever since June of last year.. I've always either felt too happy, sad, pissed, emotional or I'm crying. I loved today, but I could feel something missing. I don't know what it is though.

Loving the transparency today, everything seemed so simple and clean. I wanted those moments to just pause. But I guess that's just an impossible feat, huh?

Melting in summer,

freezing in winter,

falling in autumn,

blooming in spring..

Hoping For A New Vision

Yeah, I'm sick and tired of me.. I don't want to be this way forever..

I'm hoping something else will motivate me better and I'll have a new vision in my life. To work for something else. I don't want to suffer so much anymore.. I want to be stronger and better.

To end up fine when things get really bad, find a way to fix all problems no matter how difficult they are. I want that...

I'm now just searching for someone to support me and for the real me..

(Link to my story's daily updated blog = http://forbiddenxhistory.blogspot.com/)

Updates on forbidden history will be moved to the link above. Thank you for your cooperation.

A Wish Come True

I've always wished to be some1 fun and at the same time, annoyingly fun but nice to be with. After all, I'm always really timid to talk to others and I feel really not needed sometimes.

But that's not all, I want to be a person in the future who'll be able to transform others' hearts to a pure one. For them to be able to believe, perceive and achieve the dreams they want to. By the way, I don't think dreams are only for children even if some grown-ups say they are >3>

Dreams are for children AND grown-ups.. not to mention old folks. Dreams are not just dreams, dreams are goals and also our target. Sometimes, they might seem impossible but looking deeper into it, it is VERY possible and easy if we try hard enough, that is.

I want to work harder and try my best in everything I do to achieve my goal, to help the society.. to make this wish come true.

Updates on Forbidden History:-( Currently 7 successful fans!)

- Red water seeps through Earth's ground, red rocks fall from the sky and fire in the sky?

- Sean, Gerard, Stephanie and Katherine speaks with Master... and is interrupted.

- Grace, Natalia and Reduxion arrives at the shrine.

- Joshua, Xarlon and Pamelia is on their way to Earth.

Dropping from below,

floating from above,

a dream fulfilled,

a curse deepened..

Admit This Part Of Me

The thing about teens is.. they watch too much drama (like me), they read too much romance books (like me), and all the emotional things. It causes them to break down easily drowning in their own sorrows( like me).

But in actual fact, things aren't really that difficult. It is because we always look at the negative side of the story that it seems so one-sidedly bad. I wish i could listen to my own advice sometimes. i say a lot of crap, right? But sometimes, i find it really hard to abide to my own advice.

I have a part of me that is energetic, a sport, and really positive. Yes, I mean REALLY positive. But there is also another me, the me that is corrupted by darkness. Always in a corner, always thinking of a way to untie myself with all the chains around me..

And unfortunately, the negative one appears more often. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the positive one took control more..? It would be even perfect if I can get rid of my negative self. But hey, life is life is like this, right? You have to face obstacles and pains.

And you might not get what you want sometimes... But that's where we learn to not take advantage of things..

I don't want to get carried away. I want to know me more. Even when I'm negative and unapproachable, I want to admit this part of me to be who I am.

Living to struggle,

studying to survive,

searching for a place to belong to,

searching for a light to embrace.

Don't Take this Seriously -- Quote From Grace (Future)

-- Art from Neko-chan~

"I hate you Grace"

"I wish I don't know you"

"If only I hadn't met you"

...Reduxion..

I hate you too.

I wish I hadn't met you too.

Then I wouldn't have suffered this much

But what does this pain mean?

People say I'm beautiful

People say I'm like the gentle moonlight itself

But, actually, I'm just a murderer.

My hands have been stained with so much blood

and I know I will never be able to wash them away.

Instead of the moonlight,

I'm like the scorching sunlight that burns....

Tanya, if only you were here with me,

everything would've been so much more easier,

I could laugh with you,

cry with you,

... die with you.

Reduxion, ...what could've happened that made this happen?

Did we do something wrong...

.. that can't be forgiven?

Did we sin so badly..

..that we died this unforgivable existence?

Still, I loved the times we spent together,

We drunk together,

we went on a vacation together,

we ate ice-cream,

we shopped together,

we danced at valentine's together,

we hugged each other,

we kissed each other,

we hated each other,

we loved... each other.

I had no idea I knew I how to use that word.

But now, it is time for us to disappear,

to return to what we really were.

But even as I am gone,

Even if your conscience lie asleep,

Please remember that there is a life

worth living..

And someday, we'll come back ..

RENEWED.

And maybe by that time,

we can love and live

the right way.

I killed

I laughed at it,

but I also loved,

but I cried at it..

I wish we could just go back..

to the times when nothing mattered

we just didn't give a damn..

-- Grace

Should I Just Walk Away?

Twirlie~ twirl, twirl~

The sun is coming down,

our time is running out..

so before we cry,

lets try to make this end a better one.

I'm tired of me.. Sigh.. I just want to get out of here. I don't want to stress myself everyday because of you. I know we had lots of fun together, lots of laugh.. and happiness. But both you and I know that those times wouldn't last forever, right?

That's why , I'm now preparing myself.. i won't cry. i must not cry. I need to be strong. To forgive you.. but I will never forget these beautiful memories that are carved into my mind forever.

Updates on Forbidden History:-

- The confession is disrupted.

- Grace relives her past life.

- Reduxion relives his nightmare from the past.

- Grace, Natalia and Reduxion appears on Earth.

- Joshua, Xarlon and Pamelia are heading to Earth.

- Teresa has a secret plan which involves Sean to go to Earth first...?

You're too good for me,

I don't deserve your smiles,

or any of you.

Its not too late,

lets restore the peace that..

we all once had.