Desperation and Guilt.. Wishes

Have I done something wrong? Did someone break my heart? Did I break my heart? Why am I so sad? Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like I've committed a sin? Why is it that I find it so hard to smile..?

All these questions have been long ignored. But within me, deep DEEP within me, I know it still exists. All these doubtful feelings.. all these unanswerable questions. Truthfully, I question my own feelings and actions.. a lot. I don't want to, but I do. Now, that's just really annoying, isn't it? = =

Even so, I know I'm not alone. There are many others who feel the same way I do. There are many people who have all these doubts as well.. but see, I don't see them complaining. I don't see them whining over this. And I.. am I?

I feel stupid. (No, really, I am) I feel like there's nothing left in this world except the future to hold on to. Nothing to proclaim. And worse yet, I STILL feel like I have nothing to lose.. (which is really BAD okay? ) I can't cry because there's nothing to cry for. I can't truly smile because there is nothing to smile for.

No matter what anybody says, I'm still in this really narrow road to my dream. I don't have enough courage, but I have the trust. I can think.. but I can't do what I think is right. That is most probably why I always fail at most of the stuff.

I'm clumsy, I'm always easily discouraged, tempted, I can't fight back, I don't have any confidence in my looks, studies, physical ability, or art or anything at all.. I'm not all that smart. I might seem that way, but I'm dumb.. Can't you tell?

So, fine, there is always a light in our darkness, but.. who? what? where? we don't know. We can't hold on to that wishful thing.. as long as we think its only a hallucination. I need to know. I want to know. And when I do, I promise.. I will be courageous and I will be strong. so please.. show me that light.. I can't go on like this for long.

It hurts. It stings. I'm bleeding.. on the outside and the inside. I need this.. I need help.. guidance. Love..

Unanswerable questions,

unworthy temptations,

confused emotions,

wasted efforts,

holding onto wishes..