I Can't Keep Up-- Who am I? Who Do I Want To Be?

A blurred tragedy.. or maybe even blurred TRAGEDIES. All this while, who I am.. I finally know who I am, what I want and who I wanna be.

Let's start way back in the past shall we?.. Well, basically, (dun wanna sound old/ or too long-winded =P) I was a snob. I actually LIKED bossing people around. I felt no remorse, no regret.. I was HAPPY. But that was only in the beginning, as I lived on till the age of 12, I got used to it and I didn't feel happy anymore.

But I still didn't feel remorse or regret, in fact I felt as if its normal that they should help me with my daily school needs. I was indeed a terrible person. At that time, I believed I was superior among me and the other pupils.. except one group of people.

A group of what you can call; a great and fun group of friends. They are always laughing and having fun whereas my group was always filled with problems. I wanted to be like them, but I used a wrong technique of changing my group. I wanted to change me first. I did not realise that after I 'changed', I was still the same old 'leader' of the group. So I went through my whole primary school life like that..

( The yearning of wanting be somebody happy and 'popular'?)

And.. when I came to Sri Sempurna, I wanted to change me.. really change me. To be some one people can like and love for who I am. I think I actually changed you know? A lot.. ( Do you think?) And I think I got some friends who would acknowledge me. But.. Today, I realised one thing that hasn't change about me (besides my freckles xD) .. its who I want to be.

I still want to be that star. I still want to be someone who's 'cool' in a way. that can get along with just anyone and smile with just anybody at all. But I can't, i think I've been trying really hard all this while. But I have never ever got to that spotlight. I'm always.. shy, and the more introvert me. I can't laugh when there's nothing to laugh about, and I can't create funny jokes when I want to and I can't talk the way other people do. I just can't.. I've tried, so many times. And I've failed to do so, SO MANY TIMES.

Even so, I still wanna be in that spotlight, I'm still trying, but my resolve and my will is growing weaker and weaker every single time I try. I see all the darkness around me and that one tiny light.. but its so distant. I can't reach that far.. I can't run that fast, I can't smile so easily, I can't laugh when there's no reason to, I can't ever have that valuable friendship ,.. I can't keep up.